SheRantz

2004-10-07T09:28:00.000-04:00

Everybody wants to write a book! It's no wonder I feel like it is a wasted effort. And with the advent of self-publishing, well, it's anyone's ballgame.

I suppose I feel twin about it...on the one hand, why can't anyone write a book?! I mean, we all have a unique story to tell in our own voice...but then again, c'mon, let's be honest, many of us can't write our way out of a job application.

Oh, the curse of wisdom...would that I had some with regard to my own ambitions!

Yeah, I gotta book for ya, right here, buddy! hah!

I wish everyone every bit of luck...and when they get rich and famous they can buy MY book. hah.

I walk through book stores, even when I see those book displays in airports, and I think, how does an idea stand out...what can anyone say on paper that will be special...hasn't it all been told before?

Perhaps, and then I come full circle and grudgingly release some of my cynicism. Ok, ok, we can all write a book. Yeah, yeah.

Pssst, hey you, wanna buy a book, it's the good stuff, I swear...here, wanna taste...

2004-10-01T10:56:00.000-04:00

Debate this!

I have been awake for just barely 3 hours and already I have been asked the question of the day twice.

Said question? "What did you think about the debate? Who do you think 'won'?"

Who won? Are you kidding?! There isn't a thing he could say or promise he could make that would undo the damage that Bush has done to my heart and soul. While I may not be in love with Kerry...I'd rather have him courting me for the next four years than that megalo-idiot we've got running the ranch now.

It is sad that I am stubborn in my disdain as well as my support. Sad because it makes me just as bad as the insistent Republicans. I want them to change their minds, perhaps as much if not more than they want to change mine. I have a friend who is a Republican(amazing but true...I also have a brother-in-law on the other side, we aren't sure how that happened, perhaps a crazy gene gone astray)and she won't change her mind or even consider listening to the Democrats at all.

I too am unable to listen to the President (choke, gasp) and find myself turning away from any Republican rhetoric (because that's all it is isn't it?).

SO, to vote to vote...and to wish for a better way to run this country. Can't somebody figure it out and actually get it done? Yeesh.

Is that Club Med on the moon open yet?

2004-09-16T15:25:00.000-04:00

Ignorance is sometimes a shame. As in when a business owner lets his personal management skills interfere and guide his work environment. He can bring a tear to his eye on call...but can he bear to listen to a side that differs from his own? NO.

Once upon a time, in a small neighborhood known as Soho, a tiny hole in the wall restaurant once lived. It was a quaint little place that was run by a group of people, some cooks, some servers, some managers...and together they made and served good food, poured good wine and made many people smile. But the business got slow and so the owner invested a bunch of money to reinvent it. And, it worked!

But sadly, some things changed. No longer did the cooks and servers get to cast a vote. Only the owner and his new gang of managers got to choose. Many servers and cooks left, and many wished they could. Those that stayed lost their faith in the restaurant but still loved it enough, because the food and wine and the customers were all so wonderful, that they stayed. It was still a relatively comfortable place to work and but whereas once they were eager to come to work, now they merely came to do their job and counted the minutes and dollars until they could leave.

One or two people had tried to tell the owner that there were some changes that had been made that were not decent, some that needed to be made that were being avoided, but they only got spurned, yelled at and shut down.

Once upon a time, the owner commanded respect. Now he only commanded a staff.

2004-09-14T11:37:00.000-04:00

He rests his hairy chin
against the flattened fingers
of his fist
And the thinking man
wonders
what exactly did he do to deserve
this.

2004-09-08T14:06:00.000-04:00

A body
a blessing
a temple for us to keep
crumbling bricks and mortar
not to mention bad plumbing
I want to trade mine in
for one that works
for pipes that aren't rusty, corroded
for limbs and bones that feel good
My own private pipe dream
should I be so lucky
should I be so blessed
should I cry

2004-08-15T16:35:00.000-04:00

Watching videos on a perfectly rainy day off...

Valerie Solanas was a bit nutso, but Lili Taylor plays her believably well. The movie, I Shot Andy Warhol, was interesting in an entertaining way, but it was a slice without a pie, a story without context. In the end we know nothing more than the fact that she had a driven mind dedicated to spreading the word about her philosophy and that she didn't do drugs. Frankly, being a prostitute seems like exactly the thing to make someone, anyone, hate men. It is really the seedier side of our human animal.

Next on the list is Rebecca, Hitchock's only Oscar winning movie according to the cover of the DVD.

My brain feels lethargic and yet is racing at the same time. I want to relax but that sense of forgotten homework keeps my stomach in a spasm.

What really is the point is what I keep coming back to. Some believe that our stories are already written, our lives laid out like laundry on a line. All we have to do is keep moving and it will be. On one hand that sounds good, like, oh great-I don't have to worry about it, it's out of my hands. But that doesn't last, the concept that we create as we go takes over and then the former becomes a joke, a wishlist, a soul's fantasy of easy choices.

What is my next choice? How will I surprise myself next? what wacky thing will spring from my own midst?

Solanas was crazy, but she wasn't stupid and she produced...for all her talk, she walked the walk too. Ya gotta admire someone who follows through, even if it is on a misguided ideology. Mind you, the violence I do not advocate. Ironically, to me, that Solanas shot Warhol, that she used violence to solve her dilemma, makes her equal to the very male species she deplores.

I can't function on absolutes, it is the exceptions that interest me. Men, women, there are members of both genders that I would like to forever remand to that maltshop in the sky.

In the meantime, down here on earth, we merrily row along.

2004-08-05T13:32:00.000-04:00

Catching up....Chicago...

We made it a culinary experience with wedding details interspersed as necessary.

Once we arrived in Chicago Thrusday morning and got our rent-a-car I took out my cell phone and started making calls. First to the bride to be to let her know we arrived. Then on to the important stuff (hah).

Topolobampo for lunch that very same day at 1230p. Then I called Charlie Trotter's just to see. We already had a rez at Blackbird for Friday night but it was worth trying I figured. "Any chance you have a reservation available for tomorrow evening for two?" Trotter's is supposed to be like Per Se and French Laundry, make your call in about 2-4 months in advance or forget it.

BUT, hold on, there was a 530p opening. I thanked her but said, no, that was too early. Then she tells me that, wait, she has an opening at915p. Perfect!

I called Blackbird and moved our dinner to lunch on Friday. We were gonna have some eatin' fun.

Topolo, as the locals call it, was great. Exquisite cuisine executed flawlessly and amazing service from Christopher who's worked there for 5 years and was very helpful with maps and neighborhood directives as well.

ok, off to work, more on Trotter later. BLackbird too.

2004-07-07T20:58:00.000-04:00

Hidy ho from Vegas! What a crazy disgusting place this is. Remind me if I forget...I hate it here and have no need to return. I might forget...so please wake me up if I say I am visiting this icky town again.

I can honestly tell you that it doesn't matter if you are in the Bellagio or the Lady Luck, everywhere is the smell of smoke and alcohol and the ding ding ding of the slot machines. I have been here since Sunday night and believe you me, that is plenty long enough.

Anyone that tell you that they love going to Vegas is someone who loves to drink, gamble and be turned on by gratuitous body exposure. I mean, the cocktail waitresses at the freaking pool are wearing thongs, just barely. So unnecessary. As are the "happy couples" making out in the pool right next to kids playing in the waterfall. EEsh.

I happen to be staying at the Rio, which may once have been a great hotel but now is really just a cheesy throwback. I am not impressed and the food has been lousy here. I have eaten a meal or two in the hotel because my wife is working the scoring for a Pastry competition that is taking place here and they feed us on occasion. Not well.

Last night we ate at Thomas Keller's offshoot, Bouchon, at the Venetian. I like the hotel in general, nicely done, exquisite marble and all that and the best part is when you walk in, the lobby is just a lobby. Most hotels here welcome you with slots and craps tables before you even register.

Anyway, Bouchon was delightful. A simple place with a simple menu of traditional French bistro fare. Fabulous bread with perfectly room temp butter to start. I had the chilled beet soup with lemon creme fraiche to start and wifey had a sumptuous pork belly with caramelized figs, so rich and good. The pork fell apart in your mouth, the meat melding with fat in a pleasurable tongue lashing. The soup was fantastic, smooth as could be and while it was all beet, it certainly didn't overpower the palate. The dollop of lemon creme fraiche was the perfect foil and lifted the beet flavor nicely. I wanted the bowl to be endless.

For a main course wifey had a Boudin Blanc, a white sausage of pork, beef and duck that was simply tender and bursting with juicy flavor. It was served over not-so-thrilling mashed potatoes and accompanied by the most amazing prunes I have ever had. In the end the simple potatoes worked with the sausage and the prunes, bringing them together with a creamy texture that didn't take over.

I had the Trout Amandine, done in the traditional way, served with haricots verts. It was toothsome and had a well-rounded flavor. I wished I had been hungrier. I left about half. I also remembered that fish Amandine isn't my favorite, too much buttery business.

Tonight we are deciding where to go after the judging is over. Maybe somewhere decent. We are tired but unwilling to eat the hotel food here.

And tomorrow we leave. YEEHAH! See ya latah Vegas!

2004-07-02T15:29:00.000-04:00

Today I said goodbye to someone I thought was a friend. Not a close friend, not someone I spoke to every day or even every week...but someone I thought I would always know. But it seems I was a fool. I thought that we were on the same page, that when we spoke we spoke true-ly and from the heart. I knew she had a history, that her past was not so pretty...and that didn't matter to me. We all have chapters we prefer not to re-read.

She said that she felt unsafe with me and with my wife. Unsafe. What an incredibly powerful word. And because she said that to me, I now feel unsafe with her. My wife told her to forget about us and go on with her life. I think that is best.

I am amazed to find out that all the time of our supposed friendship she felt unsafe. That she didn't share details and intimacies because she felt that she would be harmed by us. I am so angry and hurt I could spit. Now how can I continue in friendship with such a person? Now *I* am wary. Now I do not trust.

So apparently, when she told us about having an abusive relationship we were supposed to keep quiet and shut up and not say what we thought. I guess...I don't know. Because my way is to tell the truth, even when it hurts. I got mine now didn't I? yuck.

2004-06-17T00:53:00.000-04:00

My birthday is in three days, or two actually since it is now Thursday. I have mixed feeling as always, but the excitement of it hit me today. Yay.

Unfortunately my birthday gets ambushed by being so very close to Father's Day...sometimes it is even ON that day and then I am really not a happy girl. I want the day to myself and frankly, my dad being and ass, well, that only adds to it. Both my parents have reached my rope ends and pulled brusquely no less. This year I am essentially skipping the celebration as I told them that I am not going out to the Hamptons during the US Open golf hoo-haw. Of course, where I will be and how I will spend my selfishly appointed birthday weekend is for me to know and you to find out later.

Being with my parents, not only is difficult because they are so expert at their dysfunction, but it also reminds me of the fact that I am gay...in a way that I don't feel even walking down the street on the Upper East Side with all those breeder chicks. It is their active reaction to it and that fact that they regularly have to adjust their words or amend their behavior in a way that doesn't go by unnoticed. I can feel them thinking about what the "right" thing to say is.

Their undercurrent of ignorance and their stubborn resistance to my being married to a woman represent the icky part of being gay in today's dominant culture. However small, there is a part of me that stops for a second, remembers that some people don't understand who I am and who I love, experiences the pang of doubting someone's love for me and the doubt rides with a nice dose of insecurity and wavering self-esteem. That little damned part gets really loud and asks again and again, am I ok?

Then the process of shaking it off takes hold, I see the people around me as they are and realize that I am so different, and not because I am gay and they are straight, but because they are living in judgment of me. And I am reminded, when I am with my parents, that they do not accept me as I am, but how they want me to be. And I resent them and hold them accoutable for their actions and reactions.

I do not choose to spend my precious time with anyone who cannot find the heart and mind to allow another to create the world in their eyes.

I was adopted as a baby and I do not choose to create another chosen family. I have had enough. My wife and I will travel our paths together and apart, and we will keep finding each other in the misty reality of our lives.

2004-06-09T13:05:00.000-04:00

Blah blah blah. That is my niece's signature sign-off. It seems to fit appropriately today as my brain goes in many circles, none of them even remotely interesting to me. They might have some zing if I let them hang around long enough. Unfortunately I have Grown-Ups disease...all I can think about is having uninterrupted sleep.

Last night poor Jojo the Shih Tzu threw up in the middle of the night. She was up at 3 and 4 and 5...this morning we took her to the vet and she is there as we speak being intravenously flooded with missing fluids. Bella sits here happy to have us all to herself. You get my drift, sick puppy=fragmented sleep.

The other nights I can only attribute to the aging process since I don't drink caffeine and I haven't been doing speed. I get to sleep ok but can't seem to stay there. Turning 38 in less than two weeks, it probably shouldn't surprise me.

Next thing ya know I will be taking Evening Primrose Oil like my dear not-so-old mother-in-law!

Back to matters at hand...my meeting. Went well. I really like this woman and am thrilled to meet someone with a literary bent that recognizes my innate brilliance. But seriously folks...she inspred me, which is hard to do these days. I floated through my restaurant shift and didn't take one thing seriously all night. A good sign.

Today is staff meeting day...can't wait to see what they have to say today. These monthly meetings convene under the guise of communication in two directions, but it usually involves the management telling us what they want and then leaving no time at all for anyone to pipe up. Fabulous. Can you tell I'm over it?

On the other hand, each meeting ends with a wine tasting. We sip bottles that we wouldn't usually have access to from the wine list and so many of them are really wonderful. I don't drink much but I like to know what is what for those times when I do tipple.

off to bathe the remaining puppy...lucky dog!

2004-06-05T01:42:00.000-04:00

Funny things: women trying to cross cobblestone streets in Manolos and Jimmy Choos, men who smell better than their dates commenting to the bartender that the garlic in the their dinner might keep them from getting a kiss-as if anything could make it through the Armani clouds, self-identified vegetarians who eat chicken, people who thank you profusely for the best service they've ever had then leave you a 12% tip.

Thinking about my birthday...should I get a tattoo? It's so...permanent. I've considered a lotus flower but the better question is where to put the damned thing. Perhaps an ornate henna will be a good segue. Hmmm...

I was going to go to a spa for my bday weekend but upon financial reflection, 2000 bucks a head for 5 days at Canyon Ranch, or Canyon Ranch wanna-be's for that matter, seems kind of extreme. I think I'd rather have a fabulous dinner in the city instead...any ideas? I have already been to Per Se, so what else is there? :) But seriously...

Off to bed so I can be fresh for my bridal shower event tomorrow. I already know what I am having since I chose the menu. Appetizer: house-made duck sausage with fennel salad and rhubarb mostarda. Entree: saffron risotto with house-made soppressata and manila clams. Dessert: coconut panna cotta with meyer lemon confit. Oh yeah. And I don't have to share it with anyone. The plus side of eating at the place I work is knowing what I am getting into and being able to indulge in it solo. We get tasters at work, but everyone has a fork in it and it makes it truly unappetizing, all this people shredding and poking at it all. ugh.

I might have a drink or two as well, although, I am working right after the shower...tee hee.

2004-06-03T00:03:00.000-04:00

If some of you have been paying attentions, you know that I have been itching for a new source of income...I once thought that if my brain couldn't assist in the transition, that my body would do the talking for me. Hello! The conversation has begun!

One word: podiatrist. A waiter/bartender's nightmare. See, I've got this bunion, and it is not my friend. In fact, it is mine enemy at present. Said podiatrist took an x-ray of my right foot to "see what's really going on in there." Well, it wasn't pretty. My big toe is dancing to a completely different drummer. The solution is surgery, which we both agreed was major and something that I will wait to do until I am absolutely hosuebound by the pain. Apparently I can look forward to that in a few years. In the meantime, we address the symptoms: ice the bunion and get orthotics to help. They'd better help at about 500 uncovered-by-insurance dollars.

At least I now know why my knee and my back are always out of whack on my right side...one goddamned big toe is to blame. Who knew?!

Starting to get excited about my birthday...whoo hoo. I was trying to figure out a way to be out of the city for the weekend, especially since it is Father's Day the day after and I don't want to see my dad so close to my bday. He's been really ticking me off lately. I shouldn't be surprised, but I guess I am perpetually optimistic. I somehow expect that the lies and attitude will change, oh well. Freud would have made a lifetime case out of me! It would have taken him two lifetimes for dad though, hah.

SO what do you do when you can't stand to be with you parents? Most people just suck it up...but I have been doing that and it just isn't working. After all, how can people with no boundaries ever wake up? Yes, I will cry a river when they die...but I will also sigh a sigh of freedom.

My therapist years ago told me that I didn't need to move out of my home to individuate and separate from my parents, she said that I could be myself and grow that way even in their vicinity. I disagreed and moved out at the age of 21, with no money and two years of college to go. Shortly after telling me this stuff, my therapist asked my parents to join us for a session...and when they left she said that she understood completely why I had to leave. What is sad for me is that I still feel that the distance is not enough.

I don't want to move away or disappear, that is BS. A million miles away I would still be their daughter and all that baggage. Yup, just gotta be grateful that they are who they are, because without them, I wouldn't be who I am. And I like me. Most of the time.

Going to snuggle with my honey now...she's sleeping already, lucky girl.

2004-05-29T23:42:00.000-04:00

New York is like a gem this weekend. The winds are just this side of cool and the exodus of Memorial Day weekenders has left the streets feeling welcome. It has been sooooo slow at work but still it has been sweet to sense the change in the energy in town. Holidays in Manhattan are a treat for us natives, it almost feels like it was when I was growing up in Yorkville, on the east side of Germantown. Now, now it is a strip mall. Oy.

of course, if I had some space to myself at the beach, hell, I'd be outta here, no question. Beach addict admission in effect. I have to admit as well that I have been laughing to myself at all the stories I've heard about how long it is taking people to get to and from the Hamptons. It took someone over four hours on Thursday afternoon. Imagine how long it took the throngs going out on Friday at 2.

For those of you who have always eschewed the Hamptons scene, let me tell you how it goes. About 25 percent of the people going East this weekend left on Thursday and then about 65 percent left throughout the day on Friday. Each minute after 8a the commuters increase on the roads, much as they do going West on Monday mornings. A huge chunk attempt to "get out early" and run to hit the road as soon as they get off work, usually somewhere between 12N and 2p. That is peak trafffic time and it just gets more and more backed up until everyone can reach their destination. I have driven out at midnight on a Friday in summer and found so much company on the highway it was amazing.

anyway, I am just as glad not to wait in line for an hour and a half to pay 20 bucks for a "Bistro burger" at the latest overdone summer-diseased food establishment.

I am not old and yet, nothing is like it used to be! Honestly, how must our octogenarians feel?!

What else? Well, probably a lot...little things like hating my parents, the middle east debacle, adopting prayer on the condition that "his" god will listen this time and make sure that Bush is not not not re-elected(I'm mostly kidding on this one, but you get the sentiment), hoping I am being a good friend to myself and others, remembering to breathe in and out...

oh the list goes on and on

2004-05-28T10:14:00.000-04:00

Good morning! I am home alone for the second time this week...and it is a rather fascinating thing. Usually I am in the pleasurable company of my wife, whose company I greatly enjoy. She gets nearly 40 hours a week of she-time as I go of to serve food and drink to the masses. I hardly ever get to just schlub around the house. Of course, there are many many household chores that I must attend to....later.

For now I am becoming one with my computer. Some sweet and wonderful people are taking valuable minutes of their time to read some of writing...whoo hoo. I have been working on this story line for so long now and yet I can't believe it took me this long to realize the format that it would work best in. I was sure it was meant to be a play until I started to write it. It became clear pretty quickly that it wouldn't work. I took a few books out of the library (yay, free info!) and, lo and behold, a screenplay format caught my attention.

As I re-read my old work, a writer's most devastating chore I assure you, I can see all the places the dialogue should be and for the first time I am excited to get cracking. Whether these new friends are interested in my work or not, I do hope they will share their wisdom with me. Either way I am excited.

What story you may ask? Well, you shall have to wait and see the details of it but so far it is running around my head as My Big Fat Lesbian Wedding meets Tales of the City...New York City with an attitude.

oh, and in case you were wondering, my heathen parents did invite us to the beach for the weekend. Sounds nice but I know the reality of it. The bedroom with the spiders in the ceiling lights, the mildew on teh shower tile, the yapping insane mini dachsunds waking me at ungodly hours and best but certainly not least, my hovering parents invading my space and making me hang out with all their friends.

The last time we did summer weekends with them my wifey ended up cooking nearly every meal. It started as a way to save the food and keep it palatable for us...have you ever looked inside the fridge of a pair of aging parents? Scary isn't the word. Also, my mom likes everything well done read: charcoal. When I was a kid she used to ask for her Quarter Pounder to be cooked well and we used to have to wait what seemed like an eternity for the damn burger. I mean, c'mon, Mickey D's isn't even real meat! Some might say she was wise because special orders are the freshest...but 15 minutes for a Happy Meal is not my idea of "fast" food.

I can live without the beach for a while. Soon, a couple of weeks, and we may cave in...but until then, the NYC adventures continue.

2004-05-28T00:15:00.000-04:00

My first Memorial Day in the heart of the city. I can't even remember when I spent a holiday weekend away from the beach. That's either how old I am...or how long ago it was that the city was graced with my presence during peak tanning hours. (Please, save any skin cancer rants, I use sunscreen, 'nuff said. That is a big deal considering my parents used to slather me with baby oil mixed with iodine. If I'm prone, it's inescapable at this point.)

We do have plans though and ones that are out of the ordinary at that. Saturday we meet an old friend visiting from Beantown. She's dragging my lazy butt out to a dance club. Yup, I'm gonna get down with the locals. I can only hope that some of the music is familiar...maybe an old disco sample here and there?

Monday a new friend invited us to a gathering of the 7 o'clock club. If you know what that is, please write and tell me. Otherwise I will be reporting back next week. Apparently it involves music and food and lots of people who are mostly artists hanging out at a restaurant/bar downtown. Cool man.

Lest you think I am complaining...well, only a little...I admit that I LOVE Manhattan when the natives have cleared out for the coastlines. It is so sweetly quiet that when I walk around the neighborhood, it really feels like a small town. Like it did when I was a little girl carousing up and down the avenues in my saddle shoes.

2004-05-07T11:05:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year again...when people plunk down $75 bucks to eat with their hands and drink rose wine. yay. The restaurant will be grilling leeks outside on a grill and serving them up with romesco sauce (pronounced row-mess-cue, go figure, those crazy Basque). Actually, the wine is quite good, a rose called Muga, which is dry with just enough fruit and acidity to stand up to the all-lamb menu being served. I will be working said festivities, lucky me!

But first I will weekend in the Hamptons, take advantage of as much time there as I can because the parentals have rented it out for the summer. I cannot begrudge them this since it is income for them and they really need it. You see, my father, turning 79 this year, just didn't bargain on living so damned long. He prepared financially till about 65-68, figuring my mother would live way past him to 90 or so, like her mother before her. Ah, life, full of cruel little jokes.

My own mortality is not in question though I feel rather raw about my upcoming birthday...I am younger than I feel and feel older than I thought I would. I don't buy into the whole numbers game, usually. This time I am being eaten alive by what-the-hell-have-I-been-doing-for-the-last-twenty-years and other such maddening self-abusive missives. Of course, I have a CV full of what I have been doing and a few journals filled with off-the-record happenings. No regrets, no whipping post, but now, now I want more more more. yea, yea yea.

What do I want for my birthday, you might ask? I want my horoscopes to come true. In the material sense, I'd like an unexpected inheritance of major proportions. In a reality sense, I'd love somepicture books of Old New York City, 19th and 20th century stuff. A friend is reading a fabulous history of NYC as well and that would be cool too.

I still want to learn to knit goddammit...so perhaps some knitting lessons. I figure if I knit, eventually I will stop picking my cuticles. TMI, I know, but so be it.

Going to the Harvard Club for dinner this evening. I feel very Lorelai(sp?) Gilmore going to her parents for Friday night supper. It is a gathering in honor of my father and his work in the psychoanalytic profession. Another one. He has been honored about 4 times this year. I think he isn't the only one that can't believe he is still kicking. I will keep you posted on how this $150 a head event goes; should be interesting re: people at least...although I suspect the rubber chicken dinner is alive and well in midtown.

Now, what on earth shall I wear?!

2004-05-04T14:17:00.000-04:00

Let me start by saying that I love Rob Brezny and his whimsical atrological postings. Let me continue by saying that if one more horoscope tells me that I am the mantra and that I am the vehicle for that amazingly great change that is about to take place in my life, I will surely blow a gasket (whatever that is). Regardless of where the stars and the moon and the planets are hovering, life is still apparently on cruise control.

I first heard about the concept of self-administrated living from my therapist a couple of decades ago. She told me that what I did for a living didn't necessarily define me, and that how I perceived myself really was the key. I could work a 9-5 job until I kicked but still write that novel or paint that picture...blah blah blah. I am selfish and hungry, I want the whole magilla. I want to make money doing something I love that affects others and makes them feel something.

Whaddya mean that isn't on the menu?!

Speaking of menus...yup still working the restaurant beat. I have been reaching out though and I must say, it STILL doesn't feel better. I passed my resume on to a colleague's girlfriend who said she sees dozens of resumes at her job and would happily give me some good advice. Did she ever! She ripped apart my resume in a way that makes me question the attention span of the various friends that have reviewed it for me...she found a couple of small but nonetheless existent grammatical errors and seemed not to be terribly enthusiastic about my writing style. WELL!

I'd like to say her words didn't affect me at all, but of course, I am a moody artist at heart and frankly I feel pretty crappy. My fear is doing all the talking right now, stuff like, you can't write you loser and nice try going for an editorial job with that resume.

But then I started to think about it and I the truth is, I don't really care what she said. I appreciate the criticism but also realize that she is coming from a pretty conservative business sense. I want the fluffy and zany gigs, the assignments that make you groan and laugh at the same time. The rest be damned.

I want work that doesn't feel like work, which is precisely why I have lasted at the restaurant so long. I maybe working but I am not at a desk with pens and such being counted and tallied.

Oh shit, now I am late for a meeting...I get to go discuss bar issues such as which liquor is my cutomers' favorite...yay me.

ugh.

2004-04-02T10:44:00.000-05:00

I have a friend, let's call her Suze, that has been in a repetitively non-functional relationship for over 5 years. She and this other woman, let's call her Viv, have been getting together and breaking up every few months because Viv refuses to participate in Suze's life in any way greater than sharing dinner and her bed a couple of nights a week.

Suze has 3 kids, 2 of whom are adults and one that is a teen on the verge of 18. One adult kid still lives with her and the other adult lives out with her boyfriend. The kids hate Viv, they say because of how upset their mother gets about her. Viv refuses to deal with the kids at all, even going so far as to invite Suze to live with her, but without the kids. As if that was an option with a child under 18 still in high school.

Suze says she doesn't know why she keeps going back to Viv. Viv won't hang with her family or with her friends. She won't invite Suze to hang with her family except on rare occasions. Viv lives her life as she wants and basically tells Suze that this is what she has to offer and that is it, take it or leave it, she's not changing.

The last time Suze and I spoke about it I told her this: that she should stop apologizing for loving Viv, that clearly she was getting something out of the relationship that worked for her, that until she was done with this cycle of relationship and its inherent lessons she would continue to participate in it. I also told her that she should stop thinking that she would stop loving Viv one day, that a part of her would always love her regardless of whether they could figure out a way to be together.

Are ya still with me? The point of this story is that sometimes we get into patterns in our lives that just don't work anymore. In my case, I tend to see that things aren't working well before I have found a satsifactory solution for my escape. Perhaps you can relate.

I am bored by my own lifelessons, frustrated in trying to figure out how to change my life.
I feel like I have already learned SOOOO many lessons at this rest stop and it is enough, or so say I. It almost feels like I am a pawn in my own life, moving about in various and sundry directions, until I click with the right time and place for the next chapter. Didya ever?

More specifically, I am at my tether working at the restaurant. I seek to be a customer not a worker bee. In my head I hear Goldie Hawn in "Private Benjamin"...I want to go to lunch, I want to get my nails done, um, I think I signed up for the wrong army.

So you tell me. What do you do when you are done with life as you know it? I am ready for just about anything new that involves higher pay and recognition. You know, the American dream.

Doesn't it just make you want to gag?

2004-03-14T20:53:00.000-05:00

Okay so you want to know more about Thailand but I am not sharing this space with that trip so go to:

www.thaichronicles.blogspot.com for more details. If I can ever figure out how to use the damned computer I will post pics soon as well. How young can you be and yet feel almost old?

2004-02-13T21:49:00.000-05:00

A letter to the parents from Thailand...just to get a taste of the trip. Details to follow upon my return, I swear!
>>
Hi mom and dad too...

So far the trip is great. I can see why people love this city with its culture and beauty. Of course, though I am glad to have come, I cannot imagine coming here every year or living here as so many do. To each his own I suppose. It kind of reminds me of Colombia or Panama, the heat, the streets, the people.

The hotel we are staying in now is pretty budget. The lobby is fantastic, a real throwback to its heyday when it was new and visited by stars and dignitaries. Very deco and a classic. The rooms are clean and such but pretty dingy. Then there is the bathroom...oh my! A real dumper I tell you. We tipped the maid a dollar, a lot to them here, and asked her to scrub it but it is just no use.

We decided that, yes, we are princesses and no, we will not spend another night here in this way. For $10 a night it is an amazing place but we have decided to use the money we don't have and stay at a luxury place when we return from Cambodia next week. You can check out where we are staying on the web, the Peninsula Hotel in Bangkok.

We were going to stay at the Oriental because it is reputed to be the best hotel in the world, however, we went to check the accomodations (to see if it was worth it). It was nice enough but even though they are supposed to be known for their service and attentiveness, they were rude and frankly I wouldn't recommend it at all. It was filled with old Wall-streeters, grayed, pot-bellied and tanned, still wearing their marine blue uniform button-downs, but with the collar open for a casual look. Blecch. Almost as bad as the table you had at David's Bar Mitzvah. One woman had so much surgery she was reflecting light off her face it was so stretched out. ick.

So we went across the river to the Peninsula and they were so nice! They matched the really good internet rate we were quoted at the Oriental and even upgraded us to a suite! How cool! We are down to earth girls in many ways, but frankly, we know we are princesses! :)

Yesterday we went to tour Jim Thompson's house...the silk baron. What an amazing home he constructed! Six Thai houses joined as one and, mom, you would die to see the furnishings and antiques! Oh, but wait, no you wouldn't. Because you already own some of them! Everywhere I turned was a piece that looked like something you have a jade plant potted in or displayed somewhere! I was amazed! All your beautiful objects, you two are really talented and smart collectors. Wow. I am one lucky girl, and I know it, don't worry.

We are off to Angkor Wat today and a supposedly better hotel there. It had better be! :) And then on the 20th we return to Bangkok for a couple of days at the swanky hotel before heading for the beach. Remember, it is exactly 12 hours ahead here...

I love you. more soon.

2004-02-01T19:16:00.000-05:00

Eight days. Rah. We were making ourselves nuts trying to get all the things that our friends had listed for us to bring...some Tylenol, Immodium, Dulcolax, etc. Then J turns to me and says, If they're bringing all this stuff then can't I just share theirs? I laughed and agreed that we should get our own stuff but if we forget something, we won't sweat it.

My most favorite anxiety related to the trip involves the mosquitos in Siem Riep, Cambodia. Apparently the day skeeters can give you Dengue fever and the night ones can give you malaria. Some selection. I will be covering up for sure. In fact, I have even been told that I must wear closed-toe shoes. Yesterday the temperature at 8 in morning was already a steamy 83 degrees. I am supposed to be covered up all over in the heat of summer...what EVER!

When I return I will be tanner, thinner and further acculturated. Then I am finding a new income stream. Done. If I have to spend one more year like this, having someone else decide when I am supposed to be where and choosing for me how my time should be spent. Ugh. Really over that feeling of being under someone else's control. Hell, my income is dependent on one man's idea of a fair and comparable schedule. Ridiculous you must agree.

I used to wish that I was one those people (forgive me if you are one...I mean no disrespect and am speaking for myself only) that could spend their lives simply going to a regular job every day, 9-5, no complaints, an hour for lunch and 2 weeks off a year, live for the weekends and bank holidays, appreciate life as it presents itself... and not wish for more than whatever is on the plate at the moment. I am driven to move, to change the scenery, to direct a new scene. Go somewhere else. I am grateful and yet can forget to linger and enjoy the moments.

Until I do. Then I can forget to jump back in the race, rolling around in rose petals and caring not at all for anything but the scent of it. Sound at all familiar? Mhmm.

Have a new doctor for my colitis, my non-specific, unidentified butt problem. Started to take Florastat, a probiotic to add the 'good' bacteria back in to my body. But, ha ha, but, I've been bleeding all of a sudden. I wasn't before, so gotta call her tomorrow and ask. She is going in with the 5 o'clock news on Friday so she will know more then.

If she can help, not sure. I do think she is pretty knowledgable and seems genuinely interested in healing me and getting me well. After Scherl, I am glad for any attention, especially curative ministrations. Scherl used to be my girl, but she just seems too busy now, or perhaps jaded, and wasn't really helpful at all. She was expensive too. oh well. New lady gets to see my pink colon. so there.

2004-01-29T15:26:00.000-05:00

So chickens are dying by the dozen in Asia and in Thailand in particular. Oh and there is a flu epidemic as well. Rah rah. I suppose we will be traveling vegetarians by default, except the veggies must be washed in purified water or be boiled first. Maybe a carton of Power bars is in order. Not that I will mind losing a little weight while I am away, but I don't want it to be because I got malaria or had a near-death experience in some tropical locale.

Totally packed up a hoard of medicinals. Should get us through most of it. yeesh.

ok, 11 days and counting.

2004-01-27T00:28:00.000-05:00

The Thai Chronicles have begun, even before having left home turf. Each day we prepare and fret in various directions. Where shall we put this or that, have we enough of what we need, what do we need. It goes on. It keeps us busy and distracted from our fear of flying or strange places or shame at being so geographically challenged as not to really know where the hell we are going in the first place.

We have yet to try the Ambien to see how it works on each of us. I will be taking 10 mg and J will be taking 20 mg. GO crazy I tell her. I took 1 mg of Clonopin and passed the hell out, woozy and out of it for hours....what exactly I discussed with my cousin, whose call jolted me out of a deep slumber, I cannot tell you. But I digress. The Ambien, which unless tested I am not taking. People do actually fly these long flights without chemical assistance every day. I can't say now which way I will go. But 20 hours is a helluva ride, I wouldn't bet on me staying clean.

Will miss the dogs, but not walking them. It will be so nice to sleep in. At the moment we're deciding whether or not to spend a little extra, of all that we don't have, for a few nights in a Bangokok institution,the Oriental Hotel. It is supposed to be the epitome of service and pampering. It is conservative: no sleeveless shirts, shorts or sandals in the lobby. I hope they have a side entrance because it is 90 degrees and they just described my uniform for summer. We will see. Apparently the Peninsula, though on the supposedly "other" side of the river, is a little more relaxed and still fantastic. What to do. what to do.

More to pack.

2004-01-19T23:10:00.000-05:00

Wow, just 21 days until we leave for bangkok...it seemed like a far away dream and now it is real. I am having those painful moments of angst, however, sort of how you feel when you have given notice and are working those last few days at a job you won't miss. It's lovely to think that I can leave soon. I am working to have that happen shortly after my return from this fabu trip.

So, waited on Ben Stiller the other day. Nice enough but obviously used to being catered to a bit. Very experienced at non-verbal communication with waitstaff though, which made it a little easier to serve him and his party actually. The other guys were nice enough but so involved in their conversation that they weren't exactly easy to take care of. A little schmucky but ok and tipped well. I think it was Ben's assistant that paid, the nicest one in the bunch, really sweet and he was the one that wrote the tip. Thanks dude.

Oh wait. I almost forgot. Saw the L Word show on Showtime...rather abysmal. I mean, acting was fine but it was predictably soft porn-like and unecessarily so, imho. Sterotypes abound, as I suppose they are wont to in this type of production. But terribly predictable storylines...very disappointing.

I feel rather dual about the show. Yes, it is exhausting to see once again the very annoying het habit of sexualizing gay life. As if every gay person in the world is consumed, not with life and all its myriad components, but with the singular pursuit of sex.

But I also believe that exposure has its rewards. Without Queer As Folk there couldn't have been Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Maybe it is time for lesbians to take up some airtime. Women are still the second sex according to our world majority but we are now tipping the scales and our numbers have grown. Look for us to take up space, as women. Therefore, a percentage of women being gay, perhaps we can achieve a greater acceptance across the board in the mainstream. I think that a happy mix is just what this world needs. Come out, come out, wherever you are!

hugs, more later, someone hire me now dammit.

2003-12-15T12:11:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, won't you be mine, won't you be my neighbor? Sigh. Today is a lovely day isn't it? No, I am not off my rocker (completely anyway) but today I meet my parents for lunch and then they are gone for two whole weeks.

They leave Wednesday night via Range Rover, which will be stuffed to the gills with clothes and assorted accessories plus two dogs and their various bedding options. They will get to Virginia around 1 a.m. and stay at a roadside motel for the night. Then bright and early the next morning they take off, after walking the dogs and having coffee and breakfast. of course. My aunt expects them by early evening in Daytona, Florida, where they will have dinner and spend the evening. It is only about f or so hours from there to Boca (Raton, that is) and they plan to arrive at their condo in time for cocktails on the terrace at sunset.

Until the 3rd of January, excepting a handful of phone calls, particularly around Xmas Eve, I will be free of the following phrases: when will I see you, why haven't you called, why haven't I seen you, why are you going there, can you do me a favor, come to the house first and then we'll go somewhere for dinner, I can't come to your house so you come here, when will you show me how to use my printer/digital camera/computer/email attachments, if you're not doing anything then why don't you come over...what do you mean you want to be doing nothing, ok then do what you want...

oh the joy in my heart not to feign undercover work for the CIA (what else could possibly rate as more important than satisfying their every need and whim?). The only thing bette is August when they go away for a whole month. They skipped this year and last, staying in the area since the house in the Hamptons didn't rent out, and it has taken a certain toll on our relationship.

Don't get me wrong, if I didn't know them as well as I do, I would appreciate their sense of humor and imagine them as generous as they like to think they are. But I know better, oh yes. And I have the almost-rich girls' lament...to have more than enough but not what you need and rarely what you want.

Yes, an IPod would be a fun gift, a hoot and I'd love one (I'll buy it for you after Xmas he says, and I tell him sure but they won't be on sale because Apple doesn't have sales. He almost believes me)...but I would rather they saved their pennies so they don't have to sell the house in the Hamptons to support their extended existence.

My dad laughs when I tell him this. He says, a couple of hundred dollars isn't going to make a difference...and it is precisely that attitude that has him in debt up to his cancer-free prostate glands. Imagine those hundreds all added up at the end of a year...all those dinners and stupid purchases (I'm not being mean, they just had a fried turkey dinner for Thanksgiving and went out and bought a deep-fryer so "we can fry our own turkeys, they're delicious") rack up and he still doesn't get it. I accept it, after all at 78 he ain't changing, but oh my, it still gets to me sometimes.

So we are off to Bruno's Italian on East 58th street. Dad gets 20 percent off with his AMEX diners club something or other. We only go to participating restaurants. I always make sure we meet for lunch because at least I can make up for any gourmet accidents later in the day.

I think my missus will be joining today, should be interesting...we looked up the eatery and it is apparently very good. At least the food has a fighting chance, even if I don't.

2003-11-11T10:37:00.000-05:00

Feeling chatty I suppose. Although this weather and season always take their toll on me. I seem to argue with my parents more in this time, mainly because I don't see them as much as they would like. I try to explain that when I am hibernating I am not pleasant not social and they should just deal with it. They like that a lot, you may well imagine.

The truth is, I am chatty in print, but don't call me on the phone. I am a big screener this time of year. The darkness and cold turn me inside out and I feel so damned delicate. I feel everything that is around me and all I want is insulation. So I build this thick wall between me and the world. All tucked in, away from all the have-to's in life, I am better.

Sometimes.

2003-11-10T23:42:00.000-05:00

oh, almost forgot...going to San Francisco next week and will have much to say about the wedding and later plans of a visit to my father-in-law...uh hunh. First stop in SF, the Diane Arbus exhibit at the SFMOMA. keep ya posted...

2003-11-10T23:39:00.000-05:00

Well, the summer has come and gone and I am wearing my down coat so it is officially winter in NYC. The other arbiter of this change is the tourists that are rampant in the streets and the stores and the cabs and the trains...I am nice to them all but I still wonder why they can't seem to understand that little blurb in the dining section that reminds them that tipping is customary in the USA as a means for several hundred thousand people to make a living, not as a miniscule token of appreciation. Hello!

Time ticks on and I wonder when I will get motivated, for anything really aside from subsistence. I wonder when I will stop caring what it all means and just take action. I have been carrying that ooky thing in my gut that usually means that I am out of synch with myself. It began with my mother, now that is a phrase we have all heard before, hunh? But it did. She wants me to spend Xmas Eve with her. In Florida. In Boca Raton, Florida to be precise. I said no. Not maybe, not I will think about it, not I have a really good reason why not, just no. She is not happy. ANd so I have this thing in my gut. ugh.

yes, it is a waste of time...and so it goes. I realized a looooong time ago that I would never find a way to meet their expectations or match the picture of me they carry, not in their wallet, but in their heads and hearts. doesn't make me feel any better really. Yet I finally started to live my own choice anyway and in most ways I think that is true healing.

Feelings are important but they aren't always conducive to success or movement in your life, my life anyhow.

Did I tell you? I waited on ROBIN WILLIAMS a couple of weeks ago. He came in for lunch and ordered the pumpkin and arugula salad and an Einbecker non-alcoholic beer. Then he had the mortadella or "fancy bologna" sandwich. A fan at the bar bought him dessert: vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and an espresso. He was sweet, soft-spoken, generous with his time and autographs for adoring fans and funny funny funny. He can really turn it on when he wants to and when he does he is magnetic. I can see the torment in such talent, to be so absorbing, such a draw to so many...it must be some challenge to handle that.

Saw Liza Minelli on the way to the movies last night too. Wasn't sure it was her but once she spoke it was crystal clear.

Going to bed now. If you hear of any multi-million dollar deals that don't involve killing off my parents, drop me an email will ya? thanks.

2003-07-04T14:21:00.000-04:00

Baking cookies! A recipe a little different than I expected, one that will result in a crispy cookie with just a bit of chew...rather than the all chewy ones I was thinking to do. Oh well! I assure you they still are mighty tasty. I have figured it out finally...in order to have any cookies to actually bring to a party, one must double the recipe. Hello! I am so stopping myself from eating them all! Nummy.

Going to work and then trying to get out as fast as I can so I can get on the Jitney out to the beach. My wife misses me and I miss her. We are not good at the time apart thing. She only THINKS she needs a break from me but all I do is go away for a little while and blam, she wants me! Oh to be loved!

They are having a party at work for all us slobs that have to work on the 4th of July. There is no small satisfaction in the fact that the managers have to sacrifice too. Supposedly we will be closed early due to no customers and then the kitchen is going to grill some hotdogs, Niman Ranch Fearless franks I am sure, and some locally grown corn. I hope that 3 dozen cookies is enough for the crew. It will have to be.

OK, time to pack up this little laptop and get ready to go. Sometimes life is so boring...have to take another shower, just like yesterday, just like tomorrow and the next day. Wash the hair, dry the hair, put wax in the hair...brush the teeth, wash the face, moisturize (not getting any younger skin ya know) and then apply make-up. Sigh. I admit to indulging is absence of all this routine cleanliness when I am on my weekends...I will probably only take a shower tomorrow night to rinse of the sunscreen...and that will feel good after a day in the sun with sand and chlorine and such. After that I go u naturale...no nothin'.

feel like a vampire, haven't been out of the house all day, looks sunny tho...probably way hotter than it is in here. I am wearing my sweatshirt! hah! so there mama nature!

2003-07-04T01:57:00.000-04:00

Can you believe I am still sitting here?! I am completely unreliable!

2003-07-04T01:53:00.000-04:00

HOly shit! Has it really been that long since we chatted? I have been terribly remiss but I won't apologize...you wouldn't have it from me anyway would you?

STAR SITINGS!! Before we get in to anything I will share this... I waited on Danny Elfman tonight and Celeste Holm last night. James Vanderbeek, that Dawson guy and his wife a couple of times a couple of weeks ago. Oh and I regularly rub elbows with James Lipton, the guy who does the Interview at the Actor's Studio on Bravo, and his young and beautiful asian wife at the Southampton Citarella. There are likely a few more that I have forgotten but I will surely inform you upon retrieving that brain cell.

The latest is certainly not the greatest, I am afraid to say. I was intent on returning to graduate school to complete my MA, but having just found out that I need about 2 or 3 more years worth of study to garner it, I am no longer interested. Let me say that my mind is interested in the concept of study and the concepts I would be studying, but the rest of me has not the patience nor the desire to be tied down to such a long period of rigorous shceduling of my life. I wanna be free, continue on this path to being my own tangent with no profits to be paid to anyone but me.

I may have said this before, but I just feel that it is near me, this achievement in my life of goals and material wealth. A couple of years ago I was sure that I was about to turn the corner, that is what it felt like, as if I was nearly peering to see what was at the next turn but couldn't quite see it yet. Now, I feel like I am seated at the table, I have already placed my order, the waiter has already assured me that I am next to be served...and I am waiting. Simply and extraordinarlily waiting.

Blecch! Now you see that I have certainly spared you from my bouts of the Pouts. Really, you haven't missed too much! There was a brief spot of shining time when we were in San Francisco in April, but hello! that was a long time ago!

Tomorrow (today! I write this after work and it is still Thursday to me!) I have a full day and none of it involves fireworks... packing for the beach, cleaning up the house, finishing the copy edits for my friend Katherin's magazine, Shades of Contradiction, eat, shower, deposit some money at the bank. Then schlep my stuff to work on the small chance that I might get cut early and get to the 11:30 Jitney. I doubt it but I gotta be ready if I can go. If I don't go, I will enjoy a bit of the party at work...after we close the kitchen is grilling up franks and corn and Cody is bringing a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon (something about, "it's the fourth, man! Ya gotta have the PBR! Who cares if it sucks, as long as it's really fucking cold.") and watermelon. If I have time, Hah!, I will bring some homemade cooking or somesuch thing.

ok, tired, going to bed. More soon, really.

2003-03-20T23:40:00.000-05:00

home from dinner...just a little bit tipsy so forgive me...typos and non-related tangents are sure to follow.

admiring my new hair cut in the mirror I notice the lines in my face around my eyes...and for a split second I can tell that one day, given the time and money and improved technology, I might think about having something "done" about those lines. I do'nt regret one laugh that got me here...but honey do they have to go vertically AND horizontally! And hell, I am only 36! yikes...don't let your happy grandma fool you, it takes work to love who you are in spite of the gravitational pull.

Aging is like owning a car, you can patch a scratch here and there, but once you start replacing parts, it's all over! hah! I am almost funny tonight.

Had a lovely dinner at...are you ready? You may not believe it...I had a lovely dinner at Washington Park! Yuppers. More on that later,...I am off to never never land....

2003-03-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

can't talk...dial-up connection...could lose touch at any time...quick update...broke even in Vegas, rode the New York New York coaster--was intense! especially with my eyes closed, roller coasters are surreal experiences...of course, won't die if I never go back there.

Puppies happy running freaks of nature in the "country" and me wishing I didn't have to go back to the war-obsessed city. sighing big...happy ok enough but want more as usual. Redefining my goals...no longer about me...I won't let HIM be more out there and doing his thing than me!! the husband of a cousin who does so much and I can't stand it, him....aargh. Just because I can't get it out of my head.

WHo says it isn't ART if it isn't pretty? famous? known? c'mon, I dare ya!!

ok off to tennis and the best pizza for miles...c ya later! be safe!

2003-02-17T22:09:00.000-05:00

Oh and it snowed. All night, all day. It was stunning. No one around but us folks walking dogs...the puppies were in heaven, galloping through three-foot piles of windswept snow. A beautiful day made for naps and lazing. SO glad the restaurant was closed, very very glad.

Seven years since we met and the storms that brought us together are on my mind. The snow today is mesmerizing, as deep as the time we have shared. Lucky me, lucky you...

Now let's parlay that luck into a Vegas commodity shall we? Keep ya posted on my spectacular winnings...

2003-02-16T20:29:00.000-05:00

I hate people, she says. He says, I don't hate people, I'm just a lot happier when they're not around. I love that dialogue snippet from the movie Barfly, by the way.

I am at that point where I find the elements of my life to be far too tedious to withstand the frailties of others. It is inevitable that I get wiped out around mid-winter...I can't bear to be in enclosed spaces with people whom I find to be frustrating or further exhausting. People who defend their limitations, rant on and on in a pity party sort of vein, stop listening to anyone else as they stamp their feet about how their little world is perma-fractured and irreparable.

Ok, not to say I have no patience, I do. Some. But I just don't have it in me to participate in some of the pissy-fests of some of my friends and aquaintances.

Comments that have made me nuts:

"Yes, I am against war, but those trashy protesters left my neighborhood a fucking mess! I mean, why can't they pick up after themselves?!" (Because that's the whole point of a protest isn't it? To trash the neighborhood...not one word about peace versus war or any of the politics of the occasion.)

Her boyfriend just left town indefinitely for his hometown without discussing it with her, even thought they were living together, this not being the first time he has run off. I ask her how she feels about it. She says, "It depends on what he does about it." (Because a relationship is all about what the man wants, right?! aargh.)

It's really better that he walked away because he just isn't good in those kind of situations. (ok, diplomacy comes more easily to some, but give me a break, a grown person can surely implement some rather than to rudely turn away and put their partner in the awkward position of having to defend their behavior, right? granted, a small consideration for the fact that some of us just learn more quickly than others.)

We'll have the halibut and the duck. (ok, who get's what buddy? if your'e going to do it, do it right...let me know ALL the details!)

There's more, of course, but I feel like I am being dragged into the negative space just reiterating all the silly phrases that have crossed my path.

SO I head for the non-reality of a weekend in Vegas next week. Yea! Gonna ride all the rollercoasters I can find...and may even do the reverse free fall ride I read about...time to get out of my head and out of town.

2003-02-13T00:13:00.000-05:00

The owner of my restaurant flies up the stairs past me. It's Grimes, he calls to me, almost under his breath.I follow him out to the main dining room. Suddenly my manager appears in front of, so smoothly merging into my lane as he smiles, his hands clasped in front of him. I'd like you to take table 32, he says nearly nonchalantly. I look and see the four-top. I don't even know which of the two men of the group is Grimes. It doesn't matter. I have to treat them like any other table.

SHit! I thought I would have an eventless and easy evening, cruise control. Nope. I thought that I was so lucky that I wasn't working the downstairs dining room. So lucky not to have to wait on that restaurant guy from Paper Magazine. Hah.

A cool hour and 45 minutes later they were gone. Their food served as well as could be, no obvious faux pas and he actually smiled as he left! I also got a 35% tip. Not too shabby. I heard that he generally tips well, but still...

They drank a bottle of Chinon, ate the duck, the seafood stew, the pork loin and the halibut. They ordered one of each of the four desserts we offer and shared three large bottles of Lurisia sparkling water. The last bottle Grimes himself said no, but one of his female companions, I believe the wife of the other gentleman, insisted that I do bring another bottle. That was kind of funny actually.

One woman had a piece of her meal wrapped to take home with her. We told her it would be held for her until she left. As they stood to leave I ran down the back stairs and flew out to the front door to make sure that, on a busy Friday night no less, their doggie bag was not forgotten. I spied it next to the hostess' podium and quietly grabbed it and presented it to the departing guest. Phew.

When I got back to my station, and all those other tables I had been on automatic waiter with, I got a pat on the back from a relieved and happy manager. For about a half an hour afterwards, the whole restaurant let out a big sigh. Then we buckled back down to finish the usual frantic Friday night attack on our tables.

Precisely a week later we are in the New York Times, a Diner's Journal. Not one mention of the service, thank goodness. Though not generally a review, bad things would surely be mentioned. Grimes has a pattern thought and it means that he will be back, and back again. A full review is on the way.

That it has improved the flow of business to be in the paper, as well as a few other media outlets, is a cool bonus. I thrive on the pace when it is cooking; I wilt when it drags.

All that was a month ago. That same night I waited on a wacky Peter Yarrow ( that's the Peter in Peter Paul and Mary, fyi). A little odd but nice enough I must say. Friendly, friendly. And he even had the patience to contend with a fan who actually seemed to be related to someone who knew Mary very well. Mhmm. K.

Today was slow but I waited on Joel Stein as he interviewed Lorelei Sharkey and her girlfriend, Emma (hey B, what is her last name?). Also present was "Rufus" from New York Magazine. The two women write a column for Nerve Magazine and created the content and questionnaire for the New York Magazine personals. Interesting group, and very sweet. I tried to keep my distance so they could conduct their interview in peace, but I was so tempted to listen in. God bless my karma.

More later...

2003-01-22T22:57:00.000-05:00

I stand at an empty bar. I am behind said empty bar wondering what else I could be doing with such wasted minutes that might bring me some form of income. It occurs to me that while I know that I am a valuable asset to any organization, I don't seem to have many career-offering admirers. I was unemployed before 9/11 and, no offense, where is my pity play? Hey, I would settle for a sympathy job offer, sure, why not?

What ever happened to the qualified candidate actually getting a job based on what she knows rather than who...and how come I don't know anybody who can get me a job,, anyway? I'm college educated. I have significant work experience with various widely known major corporations as well as interesting smaller organizations. I have been published as a writer and have a terrific presentation persona. I dress well, although I do eschew those Choo's and Prada's, on principle as well as financial priority.

I am outgoing yet know when to keep my mouth shut. I am social yet know when to hit the books. I don't lie. I am rarely late and I am almost never out sick without notice. Even when I am sick I still try to get the work done somehow. I work well as part of a team and yet I am very efficient on solo projects. I have an innate sense of responsibility and I highly developed dedication to the end result. I am equally at home with time to prepare or working under heavy pressure. I strive to beat every deadline without compromising the quality of my work.

Through all of this I am able to maintain my sense of humor and motivate those around me. I am a loyal subject and a compassionate, inspiring leader.

What I cannot seem to do, no matter how I try...is get a JOB. SO, anything you can do to help would be greatly appreciated.

I am not even that expensive, really.

Well. I thought getting that off my chest would feel better, but alas, I am not revived. On the contrary my spirits are damp as my puppy's wee wee pad.

Grunt growl rant and rave...how will my working soul be saved? Make my own way, make them all pay pay pay...one day.

2003-01-02T14:09:00.000-05:00

Been a while and I miss you so! I spent the last month of the year 2002 a-working and a-slaving away and it was worth it for the most part. I actually got a few good beach days in too and that made it all the more bearable. Decided once and for all that I want to leave the restaurant...not sure that any other food establishment will be exciting or more humane, but I am over this one, so time to move on. Perhaps the publishing world is ready for me once again...

OOOOhhhh, star siting, saw Matt Lauer and his missing hair in Southampton and saw Kim Cattrall in a fab fur-lined denim jacket in the Bridgehampton post office. J saw Matt again in Manhattan at Guastavino's...the downstairs area no less!

OOOOOhhh....nothing. Coming to terms with the difference between ideas of how to live and actually living them out. This year I worked all the year-end holidays and frankly I enjoyed NOT being a part of the brou-haha. I did not miss the family or associated peoples....both mine and J's. I appreciated all the folks who decided to spend their holiday at a restaurant, mine in particular, but part of me just wondered why they would trek out to a public place to celebrate. Given my druthers I would stay at home and hang out, eat cheez doodles and Chubby Hubby, wash it all down with a glass of champagne or crack open a bottle of my saved Opus red...ah, that is heaven. Only thing better is being out at the beach so that the puppies can romp in the sand and the snow...

Oh geez, here I go getting all Norman Rockwell on you! Yeesh. But back to the dilemma, which at the core of it is this...how do I live my life as I choose, regardless of others and their wishes, and not piss everyone off? I am ever the diplomat, getting my way through maneuvers and calculations, exhausting! Waste of time! So, the experiment here is with myself, how long can I stand being all who I am in the face of everyone else's crapola...I do care what others think, although less and less as I get older. I am practicing being an old irascible coot....keep ya posted on my progress. :)

2002-11-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

Working on the holiday rules! Very happy to NOT see family I must say. Last night I felt like a total bitch when I said that I did not miss my family gathering at all...not one bit. I did miss my wife but that is the only thing I would change- and we caught up eventually anyway. As for the food, we all know that food is what this holiday is really all about, I made myself a batch of marshmallow topped mashed sweet potatoes on Tuesday and ate it joyfully so I didn't miss anything about turkey day. For me, turkey is secondary, it's the potatoes that I squirm for.

What I would really like to do is secede from my family. My wish is to do without angst, but that isn't usually possible with families. It's just not as easy as it looks...I ma so tired of wishing them to be gone from my life. Others would say to tell them what I want, to ask for it...and I say, again? they didn't get it the first time, they didn't understand but they played along for a bit, doing what i asked because I had asked it in exchange for my time and attention...but...they are still the same assholes they have always been, still want me to do what they want and ask...and still feel deprived of having a relationship with their daughter...that their choices have directed much of this is irrelevant. As for me, I could care less about the drama, I just can't bear it when they hurt people I care about...I am so used to them stepping on me that I do'nt even react...my issue to work on hurray for me. Karma be damned, I wish they would kick already. Not my luck...

off to serve the masses, hopefully.

2002-11-23T15:11:00.000-05:00

ok star-fest info first....waited on Richard Gere-very nice, likes to have his own dessert and not share. Waited on David Byrne of the Talking Heads- polite and a fan of riesling wine, funny too. Oh and I waited on a local celeb in NYC...Dan Abrams...I think he is a legal consultant for NBC or ABC or something and maybe has a show on courtTV too...anyway he and is friend were rather pompous and loud in their quasi intellectual debates...nice enough just a little self importance going on there.

So...aside from that...holidays with all their drama are upon us. I have taken the free road and decided to work instead.

Keep you posted...

2002-10-30T18:05:00.000-05:00

WOW. It sure has been awhile since we last spoke. I would like to tell you that I have been terribly busy, and I have been a bit, but the truth is that I just haven't felt like sitting with computer. Being away from office life has made me appreciate the freedom and the time that can be spent on things like taking the puppy to the park.

Yes, the sweet puppy, Izabella. And tomorrow there will be another one to join her. Yes, we are crazy. We are adopting a little Shih Tzu for Izzy to play with...I think her name will be Josie, but until we see her tomorrow I won't be able to say for sure. She is a blond/honey color with white markings and deep chocolate eyes. yummy one.

But that aside...life has its turns and I am left wondering who is driving. If it is me then I had better start paying attention to the road. Back in Lifespring I learned about breaking promises to myself. Now I am looking at a small and growing pile of such and I am just peeved. Of course, it is very convenient to indulge in a pity party of one, no spare time to actually DO anything when you are entertaining.

The restaurant: fine fine, same old thing. Just more stress. That PH actually thought that the place would run smoothly with the kitchen on a separate floor from the main dining room still amazes me. I am frequently appalled. I can understand prepping in a separate area, fine sure no problem. But the amount of stuff, glasses and silver and plates and wines and water, that has to go up and down is tedium in excess. Not that I think it will change anytime soon. And so I suck it up and move ahead. Not looking for another job like this for sure...I want out all the way. I believe I have "served" my time.

What to do what to do...

Last movie seen that was good: Mostly Martha
Last movie seen that I want reimbursement for: Sweet Home Alabama

I read in a foodie mag that there are over 7000 varieties of apples. 7000. I can think of a lot, Macintosh [the New York apple!], macoun jonamac, fuji, braeburn [my fave!], gala, red and golden delicious, granny smith, cortland, rome, lady, empire [for great candy apples]. I wonder how the Milk Pail apple store in Sagaponack has selected which apples to grow...they have about a dozen varieties, which seems like a lot when you visit the orchard, but it is still just a drop of cider in the bucket.

The Milk Pail sells candy apples that are absolutely amazing. I bought one last year, for 3 bucks mind you, and it was worth every penny and recaptured memory. My teeth cracked the sugar coating and landed in the sweet-tart empire apple under it and in just that moment I was transported to my childhood. I had to have the recipe and so I tracked down Amy Halsey who makes them for the family farm and she directed me to a packaged product which I have in my cupboard just waiting to be cooked up. Mmmm, mmm. I may just do a bunch of lady apples for Halloween and take them into work on Friday. :)

Started reading the Artist's Way again. I can't seem to get past week 4 ( out of 8 ) although I have tried about 4 times to complete the darned program. I may never get to realize my true artistic potential. Or else I will simply be self-directed like most artists I admire. I am mesmerized with my collages. I don't make them often and I am intent on doing more of them. They just spill out of me and I am left with a piece that I usually don't much like or comprehend. And yet, I am overly and overtly protective of them. Is as if I am in awe of them really...how did THAT come out of my head and hands.

I wish I could do that with my words. I used to. So I keep practicing.

What I want: $$$$$$$ to buy myself a home in the city
Why: so I can leave my mouse-ridden rent-stabilized gem
Bonus: being able to say "hah" to my parents ( "go ahead, live forever!") and knowing that I didn't wait for my inheritance get mine

Here's an idea, my mother says to me. We give you the down payment and then you pay for all the mortgage and maintenance on the place while your father and I live there. AS IF! How about this...I come up with the down payment and they pay for their own overhead. Anyway, for some reason, people who know them as neighbors don't want to sell to them, so it is a moot point. Can you believe it? The woman who owns the acre next to them in Southampton doesn't want them to have her plot and neither does the guy who owns the studio about theirs on 79th street. And I would bet you that my parents are so short-sighted that they would buy the studio above without verifying that they can break through and make it a duplex. OY.

What I have to look forward to: aging parents with control issues
Oh but wait....I already have that! bah hah.

Things I want to buy my wife: diamonds-earrings, bracelet, ring, necklace; clothes; leather handbags; cookware; photography and cooking classes; roses and flowers all the time for no reason at all; a new car; a house for to morph in to our home; the world on a platter
How I want to do it: somebody paying me to simply exist
Likelihood it will take some other source to achieve this goal: 100 %
sigh....

Last night a customer was asked how her dessert was by a neighboring diner. She had eaten half of her hazelnut cake. She said it was incredible but that she just wasn't a big eater. That puzzles me. I can understand moments that you don't feel like eating...but I don't understand how someone is overall "not a big eater." hello? food rocks. I should have become a food stylist or food critic. who knows?

fantasy job: radio show personality
hey, it could happen!

I leave you with this: ride the wave, the high is astounding.

don't you believe me? :)

2002-08-08T01:12:00.000-04:00

oh and random star sightings...saw Bjork on floor 3 at Henri Bendel's on Fifth Ave and spied Gina Gerson braving the humidity for a snack at one of Odeon's outdoor tables. Gina is more appealing in person than on film, some might gasp...Bjork was equally as odd as her famous persona.

At Bendel's I wanted to buy an old Missoni chair, completely superfluous and utterly useless other than as a splash of color, oranges and red to be precise. Yummy. About $7000 yummy. Uh hunh. Oh to shop at Bendel's with an unlimited budget! If I did I would have more $100 t-shirts than I'd be able to wear in a year. So, time to play mega lotto.

The puppy is HUGE! A real personality and her eyes are still blue--fooey on those vets that said they would darken. She's feisty and a laugh a minute when she isn't biting to ease her teething. We have been taking her to the dog run...that is where our Miss Thing gets all shy! She sits with us but she watches everything. I think soon she will get the idea and lose her fear. She isn't one to sit by and let the party pass her up.

Hoping to enjoy this weekend in Southampton at a friend's place. Last weekend we stayed at the worst B & B I have ever seen. Ok, nice people who run the joint but it was really just not right. We always end up in these parallel universes when it comes to hotels and such. Just odd...and sweeping the bathroom wouldn't hurt. I showered in my beach shoes...oh yes!

What I will do to be able to spend my time at the ocean!?!

2002-08-08T01:00:00.000-04:00

Here is an idea…renovate your restaurant and make a point of asking your servers what they think…then ignore their suggestions completely. Sounds like a formula for success, no? Only if you’re looking to turn over your staff! I work with about 7 others and each, while staying on as I have, has a short list of things that are putting them over the edge. The manager asking us to be patient with the changes ranks about number 2 on my own personal list.

2002-07-10T10:54:00.000-04:00

I nearly forgot to tell you about my star sighting last week! J and I went to have the car washed (it was in a truly citified-parking dirty state) at the Southampton car wash and who should be in front of us online but Paul Simon! He was having his silver 7 series Beemer buffed and puffed. He was very very short. I know that we all know he is short, but you may not realize exactly how short until you are right next to him. I mean, I am pretty short myself at 5’2” but I think he is shorter than ME. Still, he waited patiently like the rest of us and gave the towel guys the standard two bucks we all do.

Did anyone catch the latest New York magazine? There is an article on people who are compulsive spenders. I read the piece with the righteous knowledge that this story was not about me. I read how this woman can’t make it on $85k and her fiancé who makes $50k is always borrowing money from her. The counselor she was sent to for help was pretty smart and he gave her some new ways to look at money…to create a “spending plan” versus a “budget”, which can feel restrictive. All good stuff and I could see that if the woman followed his advice she would be feeling much better and have more to spend on the things she really wanted.

Then at the end of the article he mentions that, as opposed to impulse shoppers, some people are anorexic spenders, they just shut off the desire for the things they want. And then I knew he was talking about me. I can walk into any store (even a stationery shop!) and just turn off the hunger to buy something. I always thought this was a good thing. His critique of this behavior and thought cycle is that it doesn’t allow you to want and so therefore you strive to achieve less. It is one thing to live within your means, it is another to squash your means to meet your pathetic expectations. Who knew?! I sure didn’t!

I could go into a whole diatribe on how my parents royally screwed me up and how they are why I exhibit this kind of behavior, but truly I know it is just about me at this point in my life. And anyway, regardless of why I do it, I now am aware and will be watching to change this perspective.

It is so funny to me that people, myself included, can seem so together/cool/at peace, but get them around money or food and BANG! The shit is a-flyin’! We are odd ducks we are.

SO, off to be productive. Have a day, will ya!

2002-07-10T00:34:00.000-04:00

Give me a break! A woman can’t even have a decent anxiety episode without the woman that she loves coming in to remind her that the rest of the world exists. Didja ever notice that Pity Parties usually have a guest list of just one? Mhmmm. Veddy intedesting.

SO what is a person to do when they hit the “I don’t know” wall smack full body slam? You know, when you can’t think of a thing that matters that much to you…when you lose that connection with yourself and your commitment to yourself wavers?

I would guess that most people get along just fine most of the time, but I also believe that we all have patterns of stress and fear that we carry with us throughout our lives. I am forever returning to the same feelings and anxieties, whirling always in the same direction…repeating the same mistakes. A while back my therapist reminded me that at least when I fell back into self-defeating behavior, I recognized it faster and faster.

Seeing it coming meant that I could choose to either change my direction and avoid it or I could just suffer copiously and bemoan my plight until I finally wake up and get over it. When my life is turning to crap and I can’t get that knot out of my stomach, it is time to look up, see it, and just fucking get over it. Sounds so easy doesn’t it? Hah. Well, some times more than others, I will admit that.

Getting out of my own way has been perennial…but I am getting better and better at it, which is awesome. Practice makes perfect. And, yes, this is how the voices in my head sound!

Basically, I am as stubborn as Miss Izabella. She sure has ideas about how she wants things to be, what she wants to do and what she doesn’t (where she wants to poop and where she doesn't). And ya know, I have not stopped wishing for a windfall financial event in my favor. From heretofore unknown sources no less! See, I really just want to be with J, and now Iza-girl, at the beach every day that I can. It is simply grand to be at the edge of the sea. It puts things in perspective for me. Even in winter, I drive to the overlook at Cooper’s Neck and sit all bundled up with the window down so I can hear the water and the wind across the sand. That is peace.

So is a sleeping puppy.

2002-07-02T16:51:00.000-04:00

Well my friends, the MAC has eaten my posting and once again I am required to re-spew. If I am honest, I will admit that what I wrote was only fairly entertaining.

My life is separated into several basic categories at the moment: Izabella the puppy, J the love of my life, Savoy the restaurant that claims to provide my income, and my inherent desire to be on the beach 24/7.

Izabella is still adorable as ever. We have taken numerous pics with the digital camera and I feel like one of those grandmas with the fold out photo strip in her wallet. Look at my sweet thing! Isn't she cute? Of course, J reminds me that most people really don't give a shit about my dog. In fact, most people don't give a shit about anything that doesn't have to do with them. I don't mean that in a bad way, it is merely a truth. Some are blessed with a tad more compassion than others, but Freud would likely say they were sublimating anyway.

I can handle most of the puppy care but I can't wait for her to get all her teeth! The teething stage is long and sharp!Oweee! Poor thing tries to gnaw on just about anything that gets within reach...I hand her toy after toy and J found that she adores chomping on frozen baby carrots. Who knew?! We have corralled our friend S to help us train her. His Newfoundland is huge but so well-trained and happy that we just know he will be a perfect addition to Izzy's training family.

Hoping to get more sleep soon. Even with J and I taking turns, it is so psychotic to wake up every two to three hours. No REM stages for me! OH please, I long for delta sleep! Soon, I am assured, soon. When, I whine, when?!

J and I are getting along surprisingly well in the face of the additional stress and I am once again reassured that yes, I married the right woman. We have had to work on communication and such but all without drama for the most part. Hallelulejah. Now we are in the middle of developing a business we can work on together...should be great. Disclosure soon...

The saddest thing was giving the house in Southampton over to the summer tenant. Come Labor Day it is ours again, but that can't come soon enough. For July we will have to make do with staying at my parents' place around the corner. First issue, well, it is my parents. Second, their dachsunds from hell. Izzy can't go near them for another month, until she is done with her set of shots/vaccines. J is worried that Izabella will inherit their barking habits and such.

I am much more concerned with the ant farm living in the lighting fixtures in the room we are staying in. Martha (what a freak-wonder if she's guilty) Stewart has written that one should spend the night in each bed on your home to see what the experience of your guests will be. If my parents did that, they would immediately be replacing the beds in the entire house. They are in their 70', celebrating 45 years of marriage next week, I guess other people's bed comfort isn't high on either the agenda or the memory bank.

I go back to work on Friday...should be interesting. I wonder what the place will look like. Larry Bogdanow is working on the redesign and he was the one who did the present design several years ago. From what I have heard it will look great. And that will hopefully bring in more people to eat! Come on down!

OOOOh, star sighting! Paul Simon was the person in front of me at the Southampton car wash this weekend. And folks, he ain't faking the short part, that is for sure. Nice Beemer too.

2002-06-24T15:22:00.000-04:00

Puppyhood!

Well, I have been remiss in my updates haven't I? The puppy has been the most wonderful, adorable, exhausting, worrisome, pleasurable experience I have had in a long time. No, she is not my "daughter" but she is surely a baby and needs lots of attention. At the moment she weighs a little over 2 pounds and sleeps a little over 2 hours at a stretch. One night she was quiet in her crate for over 4 hours! But that hasn't been the norm...usually she gets up at least once if not twice. Oh joy. She is so cute tho that once you see her wagging her little tail you just don't care!

And no BS about the crate ok! We talked to many many people and I think the crate is the best way to go, for Izabella as well as for us. She has a home base that she loves, she goes in there whenever she feels like it, and we have a way to have her safe while we are out or unable to pay attention to her during the day or evening. Nuff said. She will love it and so will we.

Right about now I am nervous cause I am leaving in half an hour and will have to leave her crated alone in the house for two plus hours. I really don't like that! But, as I keep getting reminded, she is a DOG! Wish me luck!

Spent my 36th bday powerwashing the brick patio out East and then had a fairly decent meal in Bridgehampton at 95 School Street. It was pretty good. Not raving about it but the monkfish I had was perfectly crisp on the outside and tender enough in the middle. My mom could likely write an entire review about the bread, which she demolished nearly three baskets of all by herself!

The highlight was the next day and getting Izabella. She was a little shy at first, understandably. But she seemed not to mind the convertible ride from the city to the Hamptons and slept through the entire ride. Good thing! She will fit in marvelously.

More later, got to go to my dreaded service job and put my smile on!

2002-06-14T15:16:00.000-04:00

What are you getting out of it?

I made a list of all the writing projects I have been wanting to work on and I finally figured out why I am so confused about what to start on when I sit down to write...I have over a dozen ideas to develop! SO, I am going to just take them on one at a time and get on with it already. I just started to think about it and realized that I was getting a lot out of being confused: I didn't have to produce anything, I didn't have to challenge myself, I didn't have to risk rejection or failure...and the list goes on.

A woman I know got me thinking about what we get out of our misery. She is a smart and determined woman who has much on her plate, from love to work to money to family...a whole shebang of issues and choices to make. She is so filled with anxiety that she can't function, exhausted all the time and feeling like crap, she is less than effective in her life. I recognized it immediately. That is me when I am in high stress...it used to be me all the time. Just a few years ago I too was living in an altered state of stress and panic. It took some real elbow grease and some good hard looks in the mirror to work my stuff out...I am grateful that I did. I am much happier now.

It is appalling to me that so many of us are walking around pretending to be ok but really feeling like we don't matter. I think that if everyone stopped thinking that they were pieces of shit, consciously or unconsciously, then the world would be more pleasant and we would all certainly be more productive. SO much time gets wasted worrying and pondering failure...competing and vying to be better than. It amazes me how few people seek win-win situations and solutions to life's problems. Somewhere around Darwin we got the idea that someone always has to lose...yet we are told that we must learn from our mistakes. Isn't it possible that we can get something out of not coming in first? I think so. Some of my best lessons have been learned through my supposed failure...

I nearly shocked my dad into cardiac arrest when I told him that I had no regrets. NO REGRETS?! he shouted incredulously, his eyes escaping their sockets...I explained that I like who I am and that all the moments of my life have led to me being this person, so given that I like me, then I wouldn't change a thing, cause that would mean changing the me I have become. There is no trick to it...regret is just a waste of time. As is rather evident to me by his example...he clearly is a man with regrets and it shows on his face and in his temper tantrums! I get along best by plying him with a martini and a bong...he is much easier to take when he is looped a bit. I bet I am too!

Life is just one choice after another. Even the small ones make a difference. I was chatting with a coworker about life and his life in general. He mentioned a conundrum he was having of wanting to be in a relationship with the woman who has his heart..but she wants to travel and he wants roots. So I just said why not get a place then just sublet it when you want to travel. It seemed so simple to me. He hadn't thought of it and having that alternative choice opened up a possibility he is now grabbing hold of. His love is coming to live with him and when they feel like it they will sublet and wander the globe. He can have what he wants, lover and roots and all! Just a few words exchanged between us and life is different. In a wonderful way.

Some years ago my therapist told me that I was getting something out of my misery. She asked me what I thought it was. I was aghast. What the hell did she mean? I didn't get anything out of my shitty job, my awful relationship with my parents...what was she talking about. But she insisted, kindly I might add, that we all get something out of our experience, even our pain. Sometimes it is as simple avoiding change or familiarity with a negative situation...damn her for being right! in a good way, of course.

So I am listening to the thumping heartbeat of life and will follow it to the end. The greener path is the one I am walking. Care to join me?

2002-06-11T09:36:00.000-04:00

Mammo Hype!

ok so it doesn't tickle...but it wasn't the end of the world, or my breasts as I know them. So, they pulled each breast until it was nearly a separate entity from my body, placed it on a tray and then a clear plastic shelf came down upon it and smoooooooshed it but good! and just when I thought it was as smooshed as it could be, the computerized shelf pressed itself upon my flesh just a little bit more. I stared at my huge looking breast matter and before I could really state how much pain I was in, it was over. Just like that. In fact, it isn't my breast that hurt, it was the area where the breast is attached to my body that got stressed.

One more rite of passage completed! Clear bill of health to boot. People sure told me some horror stories about this one, goes to show ya...take a large rock of salt with most anecdotes!

So glad that is over with! Now I am off to the grind...lucky me!

2002-06-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

Ahh, the weekend!

I lounged by the pool, played tennis, did a 13 mile bike ride and BBQ'd like mad. Not that it didn't start off with some interesting observations.Of course, we took the 530p Jitney last Friday, which is in itself rather questionable behavior, but I digress. You just know that anything having to do with the Hamptons has to have a story in it somewhere.

Getting on at the last stop in Manhattan, the home base stop at 40th between Lex and 3rd, the bus was pretty full. J and I hoped that, even if we had to sit a little further back in the bus, we could sit together at least. We found a couple of seats about 5 rows from the back; just far enough away from the john. A woman on her own sat across the aisle from us and was just arranging her overhead baggage and reading material when two young women, in the their mid-to-late 20s I would guess, came up the aisle all a-chatter. One of the women stopped to ask the woman across the aisle from me us if she would mind moving her seat so that she and her friend could sit together in those two seats. The woman looked at them like they had three heads as she motioned to the remaining empty seats on the bus and said, there are plenty of other seats for you to choose from where you can sit together.

Yes, said the young woman, but I don't want to sit back there I would rather sit here. I was so glad that the woman took the opportunity to say, I am sorry but I have to say no. There are other seats available. And she went back to arranging her bags and such. The two women proceeded two rows back and sat quickly in a gaggle of chatter, only to simultaneously pop out their cell phones and begin loud 'tellafone cawnvasashions' much to my annoyance. Gratefully they shut up once we got moving.

The train home was much less eventful. Just a buncha tired people who wanna go home. One guy was overheard discussing the ins and outs of his share with 25 others in Southampton, mostly girls..."s'pretty cool, I think, anyways." He made me lift my head away from the leather seat back as I marveled at he 'gel job' he had working. And, yes his scalp was as tan as he was. Whatevah.

Starting next Saturday, I get full week of sun and fun out East. The days of importance are a-near us: in nine days I turn 36 and the very next day, June 20, a new member of the family arrives. I can't wait for the puppy. I know that I will be cursing the paper training process big time...wishing for more sleep and less puddles! But a happy little bundle it will be. yay.

More traumatizing is this afternoon...I am having my very first mammogram. They're gonna take my breasts one at a time and smoosh them in a vise...not fun! Not fun! Sigh, all in the name of health and prevention. I am getting taken out to dinner as an early bday celebration, and I say I deserve it for having to go through the mammo-squeeze. There are way more fun things I can think of to do with my boobs for half an hour...and I intend to do at least three to counteract the smoosh factor.

What is happening to me? I must be getting old! I find the news interesting, know who the world leaders are (well, most of them) and think the home department at Kmart a fun place to spend an afternoon! Agh, who am I kidding? It's good here, where I am. Calmer than it ever was. I got that inner peace thing working for me more often than not, which is a huge deal to me. I once said that all I wanted was to be happy. My dad thinks I am nuts and said that I go through life trying to be happy I was sure to be in for a misery of a life. Nice, hunh? Thanks dad. Chalk that up to one more thing that I learned by example of what not to do from my parents. They have been pretty good teacher, sometimes they didn't even know it, but that's ok. I got it. I am even at peace with knowing that I carry pieces of them in me and that I will sometimes choose as they do and maybe even do things as they have. Really.

Now if they would just kick off and leave me the money! Hah. Just kidding, I swear. Honestly, I am inheriting debt, lucky me. Gotta laugh about it. Or else. They built themselves a great life in my opinion...it just has this extra stress that seems so unecessary, of owing so much money in mortgages and credit. I am convinced that my parents are being kept alive by debt, that something out there that is as yet unresolved and unfinished..I can see my mom at the pearly gates (that being her choice to arrive at that particular location upon departure from her present bodily state)...There must be some mistake. I cannot die. I have three mortgages on three excellent properties, really you should come see, it is really fahvulous. Oh my, are they in for it.

My dad is turning 77 this year. I know he is as surprised to be alive and kicking as anybody else. He has outlived most if not all of his generation. All his siblings have passed on including his twin, my Aunt Doris who died about 8 years ago from breast cancer comlplications. I even told him, I said, dad? are ya pissed that you're still around with all these bills to pay? He laughed and shook his head in wonder. Yeah, he thought he was gonna be gone way before this, he didn't intend to really pay off all these debts! Oy!

More later...I must rest my weary noggin...too much sun and sea air I surmise...ahem.

2002-06-04T15:18:00.000-04:00

Work...overrated....Life...understated...Fear...a driving force that keeps me moving...Love...the meaning of everything I do. It doesn't seem like much...to ask for life to bend to my will, to provide me with a livelihood that I can share with my loved one.

If there is one suggestion I have for anyone who is without work, don't look for a job! It is terribly depressing! I spent the morning browsing the job boards online and ICK is all I have to say. I applied to a half dozen openings in various areas of publishing and how much ya wanna bet I don't even get a response from one?! I would love to lose that bet but the odds are against you. The thing is, the jobs are all going to the hiring person's cousin/niece/sister/old assistant/best friend. I seem to have no such contacts. Why is my whole family made up of shrinks, lawyers,doctors or realtors or involved in a business I have zero interest in? My luck.

I suppose I will have to create my own life and luck! Golly. Ya think that was the master plan to begin with? A friend is planning a move to NYC and is doing it in bits and pieces...I admire her finally getting up the gumption to come, but I am not one to dribble to the future...I like to jump in. So let's call this time the preparation period and soon I will have something for you to chew on. Hey, if I don't make it happen I will end up like my neighbor: 60-something, surrounded by cats, living in a rent-stabilized hole and serving tea and emglish muffins with jam to the handyman for entertainment! HELP!

2002-06-03T15:20:00.000-04:00

Remember how I was saying that I shouldn't be in control of a ton of machinery known as a car? well, I take it back. I am a damned good driver...OTHER people however suck and should be way more careful. I had a lovely drive on Friday. I was heading East with a friend, H, and the sun was shining, Dave Matthews was rocking out nicely on my CD player and the road was amazingly clear the whole way out. Then I decided to go to Citarella in Watermill...bad idea! What should take 10 minutes took 25 and once there the aisles were crowded with wives, maids, nannies and older men squeezing and fondling all sorts of produce and packaging. I knew we were lucky to have come early in the day....later there would be more wives with their sugar-juiced children and cranky cigar stub-chomping husbands in tow charging the prepared foods counter.

We made it out in a record 15 minutes and were just about free when an SUV made a wide turn which I worried would hit my sweet vehicle. Perhaps a more practiced driver would have escaped unharmed...I, on the other hand, with only five years of real driving to my name, panicked more than I should have and I hit the curb with the bottom of the passenger side of my car. It was not pretty and I just knew immediately that feeling one gets when something irreversibly bad has taken place.

She's gonna kill me! After checking to make sure H was ok, she was, I began to moan audibly. She's gonna kill me! My wife, J, a lovely woman by many standards, is not well-endowed with patience and has a particular fondness for her car. I knew I had to tell her immediately or else vomit. I called as soon as we got home. The good news was that I didn't get hurt by the driver ...or by my wife! J was glad that I wasn't harmed as was I. It was a truly scary thing to go through. I can't imagine had it been a real head on collision!

This sort of thing would never have happened in March or November. It is the in-season people who have some self-important egotism that separates the world in to those that assist them in getting what they want and those that get in their way. What kind of person thinks that traffic laws are for other people, not them? I see a handful of people crossing the HOV lane dividers each time I travel east or west...people weaving in and out of lanes at 90 mph in huge SUVs as if they have no idea that they are not driving a Maserati.

How were they raised that they feel perfectly comfortable letting their dog poop at the entrance of someone's driveway or, as one renter did last year, leave dog poop smears on the wood floor after vacating the house?! Hello! Money can't buy class and that is obvious in the Summer Hamptons. I can't imagine what their homes are like...and what kind of person thinks it is ok to be messy to the point of fungus in the fridge AND the bathroom because they have a few bucks to pay the maid. I admit, I was raised in a home where we cleaned up before the maid came...it's own form of neurosis!

I do get a small thrill when I sit in traffic and the guy in the SUV next to me lovingly admires my convertible. I know he wishes he could dump the truck and the fam with it and just take off in my car! Of course, that usually gets internalized and he will try to cut me off once the traffic moves. Like I said, summer breeds contempt!

I will keep to myself moving forward...although doing so means much fewer laughs at others' expense.

2002-05-29T15:13:00.000-04:00

To hell with work! I am convinced, work is highly overrated and a cruel and unusual way for society to expect me to pay for my way. OK, I admit it, I have had "jobs" that didn't seem like work and I am on a mission to find that way of creating income again. I have really had it with service...somehow it is absolutely fine to expect an entire staff to live life on a week to week basis, not knowing when they will be working or have time off. I can't deal. My colleagues think I am nuts, that I should just accept that this is the business. But I think it is all a power play. I can't make a freaking dental appointment and know that I can be there for sure because my manager may schedule me to work that day, whether I ask for it off or not! I would love for the owner to tell the manager, oh instead of your regular two days off I want you to take these other days off this week and I won't know about next week until then. I'm sure my manager would tell him to take a flying leap!

Other sad news...well not really. My lovey from work, the one who seems to keep me sane and reminds me that it is just not important, he got another job as I thought he would. So, he gave notice last night. I will miss him. I am sure I will still know him, but it won't be the same...she said selfishly. In truth, I think it is great that he is getting out. Only problem is now I want to get out too! Full circle, here we are again!

I am entering a phase of dissatisfaction known as the Bitch Episodes. I warn you, I may be smiling, but I may not be nice! I can only be pushed so far before I react...and I have been pushed and I am not having it anymore! Heh heh, this will be interesting. I realize that change doesn't need to be preceded with such a period of ickiness and sarcasm...it's just a bonus!

2002-05-22T16:19:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Barry! Regarding my previous famous people posting...Willem Dafoe's wife is Elizabeth LeCompte and she is the director of The Wooster Group. I knew he would know! :)

What a day! I awoke exhausted from a too short night's sleep to rush to the Hampton Jitney bus stop for the 830a bus to Southampton. So zoo-y! Ladies in Burberry jackets pushing to be first, next in line. "We're all going to the same place!" I blurted out as another suede-patched elbow edged in front of me nearly puncturing a kidney.

At the 59th street stop a woman was told that she had no reservation and that she and her infant would have to make their way to the 40th street main stop for the Jitney and would not be able to board the bus. She was so enraged, claimed that they had lost her reservation and what was she supposed to do with a baby in her arms and an elderly woman expecting to meet her on the other end in East Hampton?! Of course, she finally made it on the bus. Such a racket.

Once in Southampton I felt so at peace, the green of it all was so beautiful and energizing, nature in all its glory. At the house I saw that the deer had been feeding on my tulips again. They ate the ones in the backyard as soon as they pushed out of the ground but we had managed to enjoy the border of yellow-orange ones in the front for a few weeks...no more! I hope those deer are happy and full and will leave the rest of my garden alone! Sheesh!

Went to town to get my beach permit for parking my car in the village of Southampton during the summer season. It was much easier than I had expected. What was annoying was the plethora of other people and cars and bleccchhh! I will be there this weekend and I plan not to leave the house! The good news is that I can walk to the beach or sit by my pool...no car necessary. If I go anywhere it will likely be on my bike.

My friend L asked me yesterday why I don't just live out there. I didn't really have a good answer except that we did live out there for most of last year and it just became such a small town. I think it is a wonderful place to split my time with...still have the city as my main residence and have out there as my escape. I do need a certain influx of beach to feel human. Any season, it soothes me and makes me feel so calm.

I rarely drive since J likes it so much and I could care less. I tend to be slightly, and I believe approriately, a-feared of a huge piece of machinery in my control...mostly I am concerned with all the crazy people out there that somehow managed to get past the DMV. There are people on the road that have no idea how to read important words like Stop, Yield, Merge...but they have licenses to drive our streets, yessirree! Well, today I drove home and it was so much fun. I was blasting Boy George and Santana, Eric Clapton and Dave Matthews...cranked up high and driving 80 mph...the top down on the convertile of course! Major downer to hit the 59th street bridge...uh oh, twaffic!

Still trying to figure out what to do with the summer...less than a month till my bday...less than a month till the puppy comes. All I want is to be free to do as I wish...I really should have been born independently wealthy. This work business is so distracting. I am supremely grateful for what I have, what J and I have created together too...but, damn it, I want it all!

2002-05-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

Famous people I have waited on recently: Last night Debra Winger came in as part of a large private party for someone's birthday. She looked fantastic. Her hair was way blonder than expected, but it still suited her nicely...soft curls framing her face with light makeup. She wore a black velvet top and matching pants, kind of like an Eileen Fisher combo. Of course, half the staff I work with is under thirty and is clueless to her existence, which made me throw my hands up in the air and scream, MY gooooooood! All you twenty year olds make me crazy! as I walked through the kitchen. Not their fault she hasn't made a movie in forever, I guess. Anyway, she was nice enough, according my fellow server who waited on her, and very down to earth. Glad to hear it!

Last week I waited on Jonathan Demme myself. He came early with a young woman who seemed to be in business with him or anyway surely knew all the same people and such. They ordered a decent bottle of wine, ate well and were extremely comfortable and friendly. Only minor cell phone usage infractions.

Two weeks ago I waited on Willem Defoe and his wife (whose name I always forget-hey barry, what's her name?). They sat at a nice corner table and seemed to enjoy some good conversation as well as the food and wine served to them. Good tippers and friendly while yet keeping their personal space kinda close.

A month ago I waited on Kristen somebody, the one who plays Charlotte on Sex and The City-the uptight brunette. Very cute and the guy that was meeting her for lunch was totally in awe of her, checking his hair in the mirror by the entrance and asking the hostess if he looked okay...DAVIS...that is her name, Kristin Davis. She ordered a hamburger and ate heartily...he watched and had an iced tea. I wonder if he was too nervous to eat?!

So that is all I can recall really...oh there was Galway Kinnell and Sharon Olds, both in for a party in Kinnell's honor. All nice, a room full of poets and writers and friends.

I think I am a pretty good waitress when it comes to the famous...mainly because, whether out of stubborn ego or the basic point that they are just people too, I don't get all googly and stupid like some do, mooning with big cheezy smiles. I may spill a drop of water or nearly drop something like a plate while clearing...but that is rare and usually I just leave 'em alone and let them go about their business, much like I treat all my customers...hell, they aren't out to dinner to see me!

In one month, exactly to the day, I will turn 36.What does that mean? Anything? Something? I look to the patterns of my life and hope for a truth, a knowledge, something to give a rhyme or reason to life, the pay-as-you-go ride of all rides. Email me at the addy on the sidebar if you have any thoughts on this thing of change of life and moving forward...

Off to dinner in a bit. Japanese at Iso on 11th and Second. I hope it is kickin'. We will have our Japanese escort, S, to share her familiar cuisine. I go with the intention to try everything tonight...we'll see how long that lasts!

2002-05-17T12:18:00.000-04:00

One more thing...I am sooo sick of all this talk about how women have to start paying attention to their body clocks more carefully so they can prioritize child bearing. UGH. Let's face it, women are entitled to have full lives including careers as well as full lives raising children. Kids aren't the only way to get satisfaction...now, for some they are the ultimate goal, and that is great, for them. But frankly, I would rather talk about what really needs to be addressed: the male role in all of this. Hello? Men still get the bump and grind for a few minutes and then they can all but disappear. Corporations large and small do not give paternity leave, which only reinforces the problem. True, only a woman can carry a child, but gender has little to do with diaper-changing skills.

Let's imagine we are all equal for just a second and let all those guys who WANT to stay home and raise the kids do so. And let's encourage women who want to go back to their careers to do that. The kids will be all the more loved and better taken care of for it.

Both men and women have been changing, and their roles in life are not so clear. Finding a way to be happy in life is hard enough without trying to fight proscribed gender roles.

Haven't we got enough to worry about? To hell with lab studies, most of which are still executed by men, btw. Every decade a study of some sort comes out to put women in their supposed and alleged place. But it is all a-changing. We live in a world that requires multiple incomes to subsist...if we are all to find our happiness, it isn't going to be a cookie cutter life spoonfed to us by society. We are called individuals for a reason.

So guys and gals, start thinking outside the box. Stretch your brain and create a life that works for everyone. Why is the win-win situation so elusive? I tell you, one of the benefits of loving someone of the same sex is the concept of partnership. Without gender-based choices to make, we have had to share the responsibility of choosing who does this and that...and the ego is out of the equation. I know a few hetero couples that have made it happen, but they were particularly conscious souls. I still think it is a possibility for anyone that really wants it.

We all walk a unique path...don't let anyone tell you what you can or can't do. Choose YOU!

2002-05-17T11:25:00.000-04:00

It's official...we are REALLY getting a puppy! Last night we bought her first leash and collar and a couple of teething toys. Tee hee! S'very exciting. I turned to J last week and I said, I can't believe we're starting a family! And I didn't mean it like the dog will be a surrogate child--I know lotsa people who let their pets play that role. FLASHBACK: I just told my parents that I am in love with a woman. After several painful verbal attacks from them, my mother storms out of the living room, rushes into her bedroom, and slams the door behind her. Moments later she flings the door open and, with tears running down her face, she points to her two miniature dachsund, which are ever at her feet, and says dramatically: MY GRANDCHILDREN! The slams the door on me again.

Putting aside the family drama, it is actually quite amusing now when I think of it. I mean really, Nora Desmond meet my mother! These days I get to cringe as she calls them my brother and sister. I know I was adopted and so were they, but come on!

Yes, it will be a new challenge, but I feel rather up to it. The joy that pets give you with their sweet faces and unconditional loving is just unmatched. Once upon a time I had a boyfriend that ran a close second, but I had to have him put down....didn't bring home enough kibble to pay his share of the rent and had a habit of unrepentant sniffing of other neighborhood bitches. Ahem.

Feeling rather philosophical these days. It is my nature to go there when the path that life has me on has me questioning. What is my next step, I wonder. I gave up on psychics long ago but I sure would love a good news telegram. Time to break out the tarot! Not that it will detail anything. Usually it just makes me laugh and appreciate the lessons that I have to learn this time around. I think of a lifetime as a workshop of sorts. If you pay attention, life has a learning curve that goes straight up 24/7. Not that it can't get annoying now and then...sometimes I just want a cigar to be a cigar.

Going to brave the crowds and see Star Wars tonight...regression is on the agenda! May the force be with you! Hah.

2002-05-16T17:14:00.000-04:00

A day off! Lucky me. It is so beautiful outside I could plotz! :) I love this kind of day in the city, bright and sunny. I was shlepping along the upper east side with my mom this afternoon, admiring all the trophy wives and checking them for plastic surgery scars.

Oh it was lovely, all those Long Island and Jersey transplants strolling with their fertility twins and dripping with diamonds as big as their accents. If there is one thing I am grateful for in this life it is that I was not born a Jewish man destined to work a job I hate for several decades so I can keep my pseudo-urban wife in the style she aspires to. Not that the wives have it much better...all that toiling away makes for a regularly cranky hubby. You can spot them a mile away, the guys all crowding around the beer/martinis/joints...whatever the anaesthetic of choice is and the women all crowding around the latest black Amex card and babies had in desperation to save a marriage devoid of communication.

It is such a crazy cycle these people live. Perhaps you've noticed a tinge of bitterness in my voice? It is because I was raised to live that life. I was supposed to be one of Them but somehow I escaped.

More on that later. Now I am off to meet my lovely wife for a date. We are going to a downtown gallery of a photographer we like, Magill, and then who knows?!

2002-05-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

one more thing...technology sucks. We only think that having computers do our work for us is the answer! Sheesh! Trying to make sense of some of this blogger shit is just for the birds!

2002-05-15T12:55:00.000-04:00

Meltdown! That is what I had yesterday and what fun it was. I got so angry, so fed up and worked over that I lost it and started to cry. I hate when that happens. So girlie. ugh. Of course, I felt soooooo much better once I blew. I don't think I can say the same for the lucky people in my immediate vicinity...namely my co-workers! Yes, my friends, I was at work, how appropriate, right? It was a work-related tantrum so I disclaimer the location. But I will say that I am exceptionally fortunate and can honestly say that, crazy or not, I work with a pretty decent crew.

Of course, I have my favorites. There is one sweet boy that always manages to make me smile...somehow, even when I am ready to scream, he says or does something that just touches me. I know, I'm a total sap. But it is important to appreciate the bright spots in your life. The sad thing, for me not for him, is that he is looking for another job. It hasn't been an easy search (hello and welcome to the job world in NY folks!) but it is just a matter of time, I think. Then he will disappear into the miasma of life and I will miss him. He deserves good things, I think. I don't know if he knows it, I suspect he is figuring it out as we speak, but he is a special person with so much to offer life. I can't wait to see where he takes himself. He is an interesting combination of being young yet having lived a lot and having so much more to live. Oh, do watch me go on! Anyway, the point is, I am lucky to have a few people around who will put up with me!

I dare say I feel much clearer today. See, I had forgotten that it is just life throwing another curve ball...fool that I am, I lost my sense of humor for a spell. Hate when that happens. But, I sit here with you as the trees blow in the sunny breezes outside my window and I know that it is all good. My love and I will make the world spin on our axis eventually, as usual. We are WonderWomen with incredible powers of creation. Buddhist rumor has it that we are *all* able to create everything from nothing, that each moment is beginning, middle and end. Yeah, ok...I can buy that for the most part. But it helps to plan a little.

I'm gettin' a puppy! I'm gettin' a puppy! Go to http://www.shihtzu-by-burnwood.com/INDEX/Burnwood_Nursx.html and check out Izabella born on 5/1. She looks like a guinea pig at the moment but soon she will be an adorable Shih Tzu pup. Now, we didn't really plan this one. J has been asking for a puppy for a couple of years but I insisted that we wait. First of all, I couldn't get too excited about a Maltese, her pup of preference...and I am so pleased that she has jumped wholeheartedly on the Shih Tzu bandwagon...and secondly, there are the stairs. Walking the dog can be fun and it can be a pain, but when you have to climb four flights of stairs, it requires downright determination. I feel like a mom, ok, J we can have a puppy but you have to walk her and pooper scoop and take care of her...

J will enjoy it I think. It is her first pet. Well, we had two cats, Lucy and Vivian, for a few years. I brought them to the relationship but when J's allergies to them got so bad she was rushed to the emergency room, I felt it was time to find them anther home. Tough call but in the end I think that they got the good end of the deal...the woman who adopted them asked if it was ok to let them sleep on her pillow and if she fed them canned tuna...and instead of a NYC-sized one bedroom to be trapped in, they now have an entire house in the suburbs to get lost in. Kitty heaven!

I think the puppy will help take the edge off the birthday drama I've got going on. That and presents! Hah. Already got two, the puppy (I will have her in hand the day after my bday, which is June 19th fyi) and a new tennis racquet from my parents, the new Prince Scream...grrrrrr. :) My in-laws want to know what I want for my birthday too. It is so sweet of them. Although my wish to be independently wealthy instantly may have to be forwarded on to my fairy godmother.

2002-05-13T15:34:00.000-04:00

I am a survivor! I have managed to live through three hours in the car with my parents! You might be thinking I mean the emotional baggage that is inherent in a parental f2f...but no, I mean that my dad insists on driving even though he likes to go 62 mph in the left lane, in the HOV lane he might go 68 or so...but we know that isn't quite fast enough don't we? I've already shared how he can no longer turn his head to see if there is a car in the next lane...I really don't know what he would do if my mom wasn't there to scream, NO Jerry not yet, wait, WAIT, ok now NOW! What I will do to save 20 bucks on the Jitney from the Hamptons!

We did do our mother's day duty. J and I cooked up a feast (menu per request) of meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I jazzed up the taters with roasted garlic and a few drops of truffle oil. For veggies we made broccoli with melted cheese on top and sauteed brussel sprouts. Dessert was my mom's favorite, lemon meringue pie. If I had known how easy it is to make one, I wouldn't have wasted years of taste testing all those crappy ones! This one tasted exactly like the one my mom used to get at the corner Cake Masters bakery....

Well, I enjoyed the greenness and the lush landscaping this weekend....the tulips we planted are still standing tall and the pansies are filling in...but it is getting awfully crowded out East. Crowded enough that I am not terribly enthusiastic about being out there on weekends. We didn't even go to town once! What for? to shop at half the stores I could find in Manhattan?

I am stuck somewhere between weekender and local...I have been going out there since way before it was cool but I still basically go out on weekends. We were in heaven last year, stayed out from May until just this past January. Ah, that was nice. Got to know some of the townspeople, friendly folk although just a little bit skewed. Ok, I know we are all crazy and they are not particularly insane, just awfully committed to their limitations. Small towns seem to breed in a kind of lackadaisical attitude, a "whatever, sure, uh hunh" kind of thing. Dog died, bummer...Car died, that sucks...oh well, what'reyagonnado? Jest gotta get over it and move on.

Amazing to me, only 90 miles away from civilization. Of course, the city folk are really awful. Really. Flooding the Hamptons to get away from it all and then trucking it all in for their own convenience. Buying overpriced land and homes only to knock them down and rebuild ostentatious mansions that they will occasionally inhabit and randomly fill with people they hardly know. The plot on the corner of my block was bought for 9 million and the house on it, a lovely house that had been there for decades, was razed and now a neo-modern barn-style THING is sitting there, uninhabited except for the numerous painting, gardening, construction, etc. trucks that line its driveway. Do you think they would appreciate a neighborly hello and a basket of my fresh zucchini bread? I don't think so!

SO I will go away for a few months until they are over it and I will reclaim my beach in September.

Speaking of which, what ever will I be doing in September? Not sure yet. We seem to have sided with the puppy versus the apartment exchange in Amsterdam. Of course, knowing us, that can change too. The puppy can travel with us anywhere. Hmmmm, wherever will we go?!

Stay tuned...I will be as surprised as you...even as I am a co-creator. Life has a way of just being shocking, even with the best laid plans.

We have decided that we must find a way to have income that isn't dependent on other people's decisions. I can't stand being told when and where to be. I can't stand other people deciding what my free time is and how much I should get paid for my efforts. J can't stand being cooped up in an office all day and busting her butt for someone else's profit. She also can't stand the stuff I can't stand. So we are in the planning mode for something we can do together that will keep us in puppy kibble.

Oh joy. I am trying to see the happy in this discovery mission really I am. For some reason my bday coming up has got my ass. I generally am extremely enthusiastic about my birthday, and I am excited for it this year as any other...but I kind of had higher hopes for my life by the time I turned 36. Yes, I know Iam yet young and all that...but still...I am hungry for more and soon!

2002-05-09T14:16:00.000-04:00

Ok so now I am on the fine line between pissed of and laughing out loud at this ridiculous thing called Life! Again! Why am I surprised? Although now I am not wondering about it, I am in awe of it.

I was ranting but when I went to publish...the bloomin' blogger function snafu'd and lost my post. NOT HAPPY! grrrrrrrrr...But, I'm over it.

I was going on about how I need to choose me first and not let that create feelings of guilt and how sometimes it feels like shit to refuse to be part of the solution to someone else's dilemma...and then the whole who am I to make a difference thing and how we ALL make a difference, each and every person, whether we intend to or not.

In the movie "sex, lies and videotape," one of my favorite flix of all time btw, the James Spader character finds that although he has been trying to live his life in such a way that he doesn't impact anyone's life, he has affected those around him. He flips out about it for a while then he finally surrenders to it. Much to the betterment of his life and the people in his world as well. The thing is, we ALL make a difference. And this guy was "trying," which never gets you anywhere anyway.

As Yoda says, "There is no try, there is only do or not do." Oh wise one. Someone once said to me, ty to pick up a pencil. If you pick it up, you are no longer trying, you have done it. Same thing.

I have been really thinking about the Amsterdam thing. I think we will do it. I just think that Stig (family friend who has traveled all over the world, from Greenland to Easter Island to the Antarctic) was right, why not do it?! When again will we have a chance to live across the pond for a couple of months? And we can then travel around to other countries and enjoy all of Europe. Just have to figure out a few things and then...maybe just maybe...tee hee! Exciting stuff.

Of course, this means that we have to put off getting the puppy(ies) until after our return. No biggie.

If there is one thing I have learned from the last several years with J, it is that together we can pretty much create what we set our minds to. Individually much is possible, together we are amazing. We wanted so much to spend last summer at the beach and wouldn't ya know it? We did. I have to give her credit though, J has some pretty strong wishes...when she puts her mind to it, watch out! Right, lovey?

Going out into the world to run errands. One thing I love about restaurant work, is being one of those people you see walking around the neighborhood in jeans who seem like they have no where to go. On my days off I can just meander as I please. Love that.

2002-05-08T13:20:00.000-04:00

So today I wonder what the hell this life thing is all about...on the one hand I see it as the path along which we all walk, and on the other it seems like one big fat joke! As I arrived home last night from my glamorous waiter gig I wondered yet again, what is it all about alfie? I spent the night catering to a bunch of well-intentioned patrons who were paying a pretty penny to eat grilled scallions with their hands. So what if they are called calcots (pronounced cal-sots) and are a wonderful Catalan food...to see a room full of adults peeling onions and flicking roasted onion flesh at each other was droll to say the least. Are we so in need of entertainment that we will pay 100 bucks a head to eat such things? In NY the answer is decidedly yes.

Now for the quandary section of our daily rant...there are several areas where I have been asked, by either a person or Life itself, to choose. My wife,J, and I have been talking about getting a dog, or a couple of dogs. I want a Shih Tzu and she wants a Maltese. I have managed to persuade her to love the Shih Tzu and so we have been calling breeders all over the country. There are pups of various ages and colors available at various points over the next few weeks. Breeders say that they have pups "on the ground" when the litter has been born. Two pups are on the ground in San Francisco and we are tempted to take those since we want to visit the fam and friends out there....

BUT...are we ready to start a family!? THAT is the bigger question. I think, yes. We should start with the four-legged variety anyway and see how we fare. If they survive past a year, then we can talk human additions. We did ok with the two cats we had...Lucy and Vivian were lovely felines although their dander nearly killed J so we had to adopt them (no worries, they got a good home and a new mom who wanted to feed them tuna and have them sleep on her pillow--they stepped up, frankly). Now dogs are a different matter...they require attention and much more pampering. J says she will walk them in the morning and that is all that matters to me cause I am not getting up at the crack o dawn to walk a pup down 4 flights of stairs..uh uh, not me. I can be persuaded to do the late night run since I tend to come home later from work and have all this work energy to blow off.

Speaking of families, I am sooo sick of reading about how the older I get the less chance I have of procreating! The media used to inform, now I think it is merely a scare tactic. What the fuck?! For decades they have been inflating the results of single studies to show that women had better get back in line and start pumping out the babies while they are young, or as they put it, while they still can! Yeesh!

I am on the verge of 36, still quite youthful in spite of my impending 20 year high school reunion in 2003 (Finally free in '83! whoo hoo!). And I am not ready to replicate my genetic material as yet. I don't think I want to wait till 50 like some lady I saw in a magazine the other day, that doesn't work for me since I want to be able to remember my child's name through their high school graduation, but maybe another year or two. According to the literature that the mags have been gabbing about, my chances of conception without medical assistance decreases about 3% a year or something like that. Whatever, I will take my chances.

Let's be honest, two women having a baby is gonna take some medical assistance regardless. I am all for the turkey baster, but I just haven't found a suitable donor. I mean, if I knew a guy whose baby I wanted, I would have married HIM right? Please. J has a couple of contenders that she thinks would provide good genes and be similar enough in appearance to produce a child with both our traits...not that they know they are being considered. Hi, want to come over for dinner and a spermal contribution? Of course, we have chatted with other friends about the possibilities and have several offers that we smile gratefully at but really wouldn't consider. And since I am the one who will carry the baby and go through all those hormonal peaks and valleys, I am gonna be real picky about the donor.

Oh and that is another unfunny joke people keep making...why don't the two of you get pregnant at the same time? that would be so cool! NOT! That would result in a four way murder in my opinion...

Now for the other wonderful stuff...J found a post for an apartment switch with someone from Amsterdam, my fantasy city. I love it there, the SF of Europe and legal smoke, whoo hoo. Do we go? Do we stay? I think we will likely be adventurous. Not much to stick around for at the moment...my waiter job? hahahahahah! I am going back to school to finish my MA in psychology (no jokes please!) and that might cut into the semester...but I say what the hell. I've waited this long to finish, what is a few more months.

The only real reason not to go to Amsterdam is fear and that is not an acceptable deterrent in my mind. Oh I was going to go to live in Amsterdam for a few months but I was scared so I didn't. Yuck. I can't live with that. What am I going to remember in ten years....that was such a great lunch shift I worked in the summer of 2002 (dreamy sigh)...OR...living in Europe, hmmm, tough one.

Keep ya posted as to what I do or don't do.

It just amazes me how life has happened, what I have created. Even as I submit my rez to sundry job postings, I wonder if I could really be happy in a 9-5 (8-7!) work situation. I think I would hate it. Now, will someone please pay me for my mere existence!?! How nuts is it to think I have a better chance of getting published than I do of getting a regular job?! What a crazy carazy world we live in...

Oh and did I mention that my parents are completely insane? sorry. please factor in that my dad turns 77 this year, even as he can't turn his head to see cars in the next lane before he moves over, even as he seems to forget where he was driving to in the first place...my mom, can't tell you her age cause she will find me and try to disown me again (long story 4 another day) but suffice to say that she is not his trophy wife from second marriage. Figuring that they have been married for 45 years come this July she must be at least 50 right? haha! yes, well. She is finally doing something that I am impressed with...between her tantrums about how deprived she is (choke, gasp) she has started to draw and take drawing classes. Surprise! She is really talented! Can't wait to see how she progresses...goes to show you, just when you think life has no more tricks up it's sleeve, it wows ya.

So get some rest for me will ya? I am slaving every day this week so my feet are in near-revolt. All I wanna do is crawl into my bong, is that so bad?

2002-05-04T14:13:00.000-04:00

Making an effort to rid my mind of the meaningless dribs 'n' drabs that befuddle me so that I can make room for the important stuff...and lucky you, I will likely share that too!